*Last Friday Eldrick Tiger Woods broke his silence and gave a 13 minute speech about his many adulterous affairs and his ongoing sex rehab. It was estimated that over one hundred million dollars was spent to cover this speech and after it hours were spent interpreting his every word. Here at Hair Trigger we want to translate what Tiger was actually thinking as he recited his very well crafted words.

Good morning. And thank you for joining me (Thanks for attending my attempt to repair my name and relationships with corporate sponsors).

Many of you in the room are my friends (I trust you… a little bit). Many of you in this room know me (Because you were the first to catch me slipping and didn’t say anything). Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me (A number of you have made a living off the small economy that is Tiger Woods).

I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in (I really regret getting caught, so I gotta come clean, but that porn star chick was off the chain and do not regret that handcuff thing).

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children (Hello, I am Tiger F***ing Woods). And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say (I did what Jordan and all my boys told me to do, except for reprogramming that broad’s name in me cell phone, but I still got caught, so here I am).

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss (She will be on the Forbes 400 List next year). However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us (There will be a gag order, so don’t ask me how much I have to pay her).

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down. I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment (What is with you people? I’m rich and famous. Life is my playground. You know I don’t drive a Buick. Do you really think Gatorade or Nike helps me on the back nine when I got Mickelson breathing down my neck? Grow up people). To those of you who work for me, I have let you down, personally and professionally (Somebody snitched. Heads will roll. I promise). My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners (To my sponsors who dropped me, Pleeease take me back).

 

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Earl Woods Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues (For real, if Elin keeps this ‘go to sex rehab’ crap up the needy children are on their own).

But, still, I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did (Hey, when the kitty kat is just calling you— fellas, I know feel me). I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for (I’ve got a lot more of these uncomfortable speeches in my future).

But there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She never hit me that night or any other night (But she kicked me though and that sh** hurt like a mother. I don’t ever remember Earl whipping my ass like that over a putt). There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever. (I have submitted my new definition of domestic violence to Webster’s Un-Abridged for submission into next year’s dictionary).

Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame (She has been compensated financially to levels you would not believe). The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable. And I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in (Never leave physical evidence of ladies around and always say “It wasn’t me”).

I knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have far — didn’t have to go far to find them (Don’t let anyone fool you when you are rich and famous, the world is your ashtray and you are forever flicking the ash of a Cuban cigar on people. Recall my Nike commercial “I AM TIGER WOODS”. It is nice being me, man. Imagine walking into a 10,000 a night suite in Vegas and being presented with 20 grand in chips and two of the baddest women you have ever seen in life. And white women because you know how I like them. Yes, my life is the joint, so excuse me for enjoying it).

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me (I got caught. I f***** up, so sue me).

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. And that starts by never repeating the mistakes I have made. It is up to me to start living a life of integrity (I worked with the best crisis managers in the business on this speech. Some of these guys worked with President Clinton and R. Kelly).

I once heard — and I believe it is true — it’s not what you achieve in life that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all of those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry (I’m going to play the humble role until this whole thing blows over and I can go back to fist pumping and white girl humping).

It is hard to admit that I need help. But I do. For 45 days, from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy, receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing. I have a long way to go. But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction (There is the cutest little Mexican chick in group with me. Though it’s not my style I want to tag it).

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to — to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife (Ask me one personal question and I will Sean Penn your ass).

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. (LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. I NEVER DATED A BLACK WOMAN. EVER. NOR SHALL I EVER).

Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things. I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements, when my children were born, we only released photographs so they … so that the paparazzi could not chase them.

However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my 2½-year-old daughter to school and report the school’s location. They staked out my wife and pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone (For real, I messed up and I dig if you’re following Elin, she is a grown ass woman, but not my kids. Again I will pull Sean Penn/Alec Baldwin on your ass, if you mess with my kids).

I recognize I have brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it (My swing is getting real rusty, so leave me alone to work on it).

Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught (I couldn’t find a church, temple or synagogue, if you jammed a GPS up my ass).

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I have learned that is how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy (I don’t know how you regular people do it. You guys are special).

I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I am making this — these remarks today (Please take me back Accenture. You paid for my mansion in Cali and my trips to Dubai). In therapy, I have learned that looking at — the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: my marriage and my children (It’s always been about my career. My father Earl told me once, “Women want money, boy. You think if you were pumping gas, you’d be sticking all the tail you’re getting now? Half Asian/half Negro please?”).

That also means relying on others for help. I have learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help (This is sex rehab is hard. Again no one can understand what it is like being me. They just can’t).

I do plan to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game (I’m going to have to be humble until I kick some tourney’s ass by 18 strokes. Then I’ll be taunting folks again).

In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes (They are still throwing the drawers at me). To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me. I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner [Tim] Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course (All of you Back Nine hacks, who had something to say about Tiger will be washing my golf balls again… literally and figuratively).

Finally, there are many people in this room and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again. Thank you (There. I finally spoke about this thing. You all happy? I hope the hell so).