Essence Relationships Editor Demetria Lucas
*In her post “A Response To Nightline’s Black Single Ladies’ Face-Off,” Essence relationships editor Demetria Lucas shares her critical reaction to this week’s “Nightline” segment, “Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?”
Lucas is also the author of the blog http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/ and was profiled in Tuesday’s Washington Post piece, “Dating Guru Demetria Lucas, Pointing the Way to Eligible Black Men”, where she gave great dating tips for black women.
Lucas writes:
Confession: For several weeks now, I’ve been living in fear. It started when I learned “Nightline” was headed back to Atlanta for a “Face-Off” debate with the title, “Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?”
Before I even knew the line-up (Steve Harvey, Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Hill Harper, Jimi Izreal) or the questions (though as Essence’s Relationships Editor, I guessed most of them), all I could think about was the aftermath of a show they did about the same topic back in December. What ensued was a sort of Single Black Woman hysteria, an expected reaction when it’s repeatedly implied that checking “single” on an application of any kind after 30 means you have somehow failed in life, and that your prospects of finding a great guy to love and love you back are pretty slim.
It’s possible this topic has been so over-covered that I’m numb. But actually? The segment wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. (Jimi Izreal though?) I guess when you bring men and women to a roundtable to discuss relationships–as Essence did in its May issue, currently on stands–you cut through a lot of the outlandish speculation and have a real progressive discussion. All forthcoming conversations about the state of heterosexual relationships should implement this policy as it’s never made sense to me why same sex groups are expected to address a dual sex concern.
The panel, moderated by Nightline’s Vicki Mabrey, covered the usual fair–interracial dating, Black men with Peter Pan syndrome, and the Obamas. But throughout, the lack of communication between the sexes bothered me. It seemed no matter how many times Sherri and Jacque reiterated what black women want in a man—a guy with a steady job, who is secure with himself, who can provide a friendship, and partnership, and maybe help them take out their cornrows from time to time—the male half of the panel didn’t seem to get it. Instead of listening to the ladies, Izreal told them what they wanted (as if): a Denzel prototype. Steve told the women the simple things they wanted weren’t possible (you want a man to help take out your cornrows? Not in his DNA.) If five good and grown black adults who all work in some fashion in the field of communication–and every man on the panel has a book on relationships–can’t make sense of what the opposite sex wants, I wondered what hope does that leave for the rest of us?
I took away some useful male insight from the panelists–I am the potential link to a man’s success, men may be more ashamed of their lack of success than “intimidated” by a woman’s accomplishments, and men aren’t trying to see me taking out my hair. But ultimately, what I re-learned was the biggest obstacle to building healthy relationships might be an inability to catch on to the fundamentals like communication and hope. I know it will take more than just that to get us down the aisle and over the broom, but we’ve got to get a command of the basics if we ever expect to go from RSVPing for weddings to planning them.
Demetria Lucas, Relationships Editor Essence Magazine
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I did not renew my subscription to Essence after the Reggie Bush cover and for a few other reasons. MSM is deliberately trying to demoralize Black women because they know Black men will never have a problem with it. I often wonder why MSM never run series after series about white women “repeatedly” sexing underage boys rather than turning to their “inadequate” husbands. There have been so many murders and hits placed between white spouses we can’t keep count of them. Whites have written more books about seeking out and attracting members of the opposite sex than any other group so it would appears they are attempting to deflect/project their own issues on Blacks only when we “all” have them. I have lost all respect for Hill Harper and co. and will never purchase, view or support anything he’s involved in. Black women need to roll all the way back and prepare themselves for the demise of our race period! A divided house cannot stand.
Melody, I can’t even say how much I agree with your comment. The thing about the MSM is that they racialize black people, yet they don’t racialize themselves. In other words, when blacks do something, it is a “black thing,” but when whites do something, it’s a “human” thing. They don’t see themselves as one race. They take the best of their race and attribute it to all of them; they don’t do the same with blacks. We represent the “negative” of our race. I’m not saying that being single is negative, but d*mn, you’d think it was a curse to not have a man on your shoulder. What about Asian men and their women running into the arms of white men? Like you said, what about the countless perverted white women seeking whatever it is they want from young white boys? They will never, ever cover this, and if they do, it will never become a “white” issue. I’m not through with this nonsense, girl!
I hear ya, Janissi. I am WAITING for some non-black to try and corner me about a discussion on our issues. I will politely agree to a conversation with this caveat…ONLY if they willing to enlighten me on their feelings about the relationship between female pedophilia/white male inadequacies and spousal discord in their community. I actually keep news clippings as a refresher so I can present a rejoinder in an instant when they come for me. Look how Larry Kings wife fucked her lover in his bed while watching his show. Bring it!
Next stop…it’s time for Black women to seriously consider establishing a SEPARATE civil rights organization because the men could care less IMO and have no real interest in protecting Black women and girls. I’ve known this for years. Black women must take a page from Obama’s grassroots fundraising tactics to finally bring this organization to fruition. I plan on approaching women who are interested in brainstorming on this project.
Hey, I’m all for that, Melody. Yes, our men don’t give two hoots about us and our plight, yet we are supposed to sympathize with theirs. What’s up with that?
“I often wonder why MSM never run series after series about white women “repeatedly” sexing underage boys rather than turning to their “inadequate” husbands. There have been so many murders and hits placed between white spouses we can’t keep count of them.”
Melody, you made this point the other day and I meant to co-sign. I think you are onto something. Very good point!
They do, on CourTV and other real story television. But I do agree with most of what you said. I did find the symposium or whatever it was, kind of disturbing especially since it was on National Television.
When has MSM or western media ever validated Africans anywhere on the globe including America? We are constantly pathologized. Our disporportionate numbers of HIV infections is pathologized into Predatory Black men on the downlow. Whites view us through a racist prism. Any conclusions will reflect that bias. I have mentioned it before. In a lyric by Gil Scott Heron “live at 5 will tell you it’s hopeless out there.” “If they knew the truth, why would they tell you.” A better conversation would be: So there is a shortage of viable black men. What role does the society and institutional practices contribute to this shortage?
“So there is a shortage of viable black men.”
Nope, wrong. Disagree. I refuse to buy this crap folks keep selling. I don’t see a shortage. If someone sees a shortage, perhaps he/she is looking in the wrong places…
No, there is a shortage. There are 1.8 million more black women than black men. That would be a shortage. Unless women are willing to share (knowingly)! The odds are against black women finding a man. That’s pretty obvious.
I’m sure this will sound like I’m hating, so there’s my disclaimer…So Kofi, you want to blame all the problems of black romantic relationships in the black community on the society and institutional practices? Isn’t that kinda the ghetto/slave mentality?
While I too tire of the depictions of black social problems as all there is to our community, why can’t we explore these topics? As far as I could tell, all the panelists were black, not white. It was done in Atlanta. I keep seeing these comments about white women and pedophilia. And domestic violence and homocide. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? That says nothing to the issue these conversations are trying to bring to light and I don’t see how it’s constructive to the topic. Do you think pointing out others’ shortcomings, problems, and issues somehow diminishes your own?
HH, the issue we’re getting at is “WHY” is MSM so focused on pathologizing everything that concerns Blacks…which is why we notice an “imbalance” when it comes to reporting negative issues in “their” community. We are sick of these shows treating us as virtual lab rats. Those panels are NOT interested in getting to the crux of the matter between BM/BW…it’s all about entertainment and provides an outlet for others to feel better about “themselves” at our expense. It’s too late to solve gender issues amongst Blacks because too many feel we should be honored to serve as the “host” to all “parasites”. We can’t right this ship, but must roll til the wheels fall off as best we can. Here Jimi Izreal is gay and he has to nerve to try and throw some shyt in the game to sell a book.
An issue that impacts black people nation wide do not occur in a vaccum. It is beyond an individual or community. This is not to negate individual responsibility. If we start from the premise there is a shortage of black men, let us deconstruct that issue. Where do the shortages occur? Are there regions of the country more impacted than others? Are certain age groups more impacted? What are the historal trends? This problem didn’t just happen yesterday. If you are truly intersted in solving a problem, these are some basic questions that must be addressed. What is the impact of drugs, guns and massive incarceration in AA communities? What is the impact of health disparities on the shortage of black males? What is the impact of unemployment in AA communities? From what I can tell, there was not one sociologist, social critic or psychologist on the panel. These are some weighty issues that can’t be addressed in a few TV segments. This was just pathologizing black communities for entertainment purposes with no viable solutions.
I guess my thing is, why not start the conversation, though. And I was all with Jimi Izrael in this roundtable discussion on “Up Front with Tony Cox”, a radio show on NPR published by the African American Public Radio Consortium. Had me rolling. But then his comments on the panel that I’ve seen thus far (only having watched Parts 1 through 3), I’m starting to do a Steele (i.e. backpedal)…so SUE me! I won’t go as far as to speculate on the brother’s orientation, however, I guess I was expecting disparaging comments on the visual. His facial expression did seem somewhat bitter, whereas, on the radio show, he just sounded like a humorous social commentator, a la Aaron MacGruder.
HH, I’m not attempting to slur Jimi because he is what he is and can’t help that. But it gets me that a gay man is simply trying to turn a profit pretending he’s an expert on Black hetero relationships. I can imagine the vibes you picked up on the “visual” cues. HE wants a Denzel for himself.
Of course black women will complain about how they or their challenges are presente din the media. Of course these same black women will then turn around and write every article, online posting, radio call-in etc EXCORIATING black men for whatever topic of the day.
When has it ever been a fair fight. When has the media ever covered white men with the same zeal as they do black men. The excuse will be that black men have more problems that black MEN don’t want to address so SOmebody has to say it. Well I guess somebody had to say this too and maybe if we stop buying into myths perpetuated by dumb, stupid women like Melody, we could actually have a conversation. Let her tell it, black men are the problem because all of us love white women.
Dumb azz.
How typical. Some of you azzholes can’t stand for Black women to merely face reality because you know what’s in store for you once much needed adjustments take hold and grow roots.
Melody, can you place your picture in your avatar spot?
I would but afraid you’d use it for more spank material. Buy your own.
Melody, what that even necessary? Get the fuck outta here bitch ass nigga. What’s with you and masturbation? I just want to see what you look like. LMAO at you being mad.
Judging from you comments the only one mad here is YOU. Being “THROUGH” and mad are completely separate emotions but I wouldn’t expect a ghetto dwelling slave to grasp this concept. Now pick up your limp genitals and get to steppin’! Buck dancing coons like you shouldn’t even be allowed to post here!
Say what? The hell is ghetto dwelling slave? LMAO! Stop it with the genital jokes. You’ve said the same thing to me for the past two years. Get a new ghostwriter because that joke is awful. LMAO at me being a coon. I’m doing something with myself. That’s me in avy getting my Master’s. Just post yourself. I want to see how you look. That way, people can see why you’re so uptight and mad at men all of the time ho.
That photo is so tiny a magnifying glass doesn’t help. I’m truly surprised a simple mofo like you can even spell Master’s let alone know what one is. Anywho…congrats!
I wish you can enlarge the pic, but you can’t. Fact of the matter is you’re scared to put up a real pic of you when I asked. It’s cool, I know why you’re mad at black men and men in general. The one you want hasn’t chosen you. LMAO at congrats! Thanks tho, I worked hard for that Masters. Do you have one? Probably not.