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I had a habit of messing up/Staying out late and getting drunk/I let you down a thousand times, broken promises…

Anthony Hamilton “Her Heart”

Anytime you wish to move forward, you have to take a look back to recognize any obstacles that may hinder your progress. In my case, looking back means considering my past relationships, identifying where they (I) went wrong and working towards correcting those issues. They say the truth hurts and that may be accurate, but it’s also necessary, if you’re seeking any sort of happiness and fulfillment in your relationships. I’ve found my truth to be useful, if not liberating. I am a horrible boyfriend or at least I have been in previous relationships, I didn’t always get the emotional aspect of them.

It’s just emotion…

I’ve misrepresented that fact to myself for quite sometime because I felt like I met the most basic needs of the women in my life and that was enough. Boy was I wrong! I’ve been so emotionally detached that I didn’t realize I wasn’t giving them what they wanted most, me. Sure, I was given them me in the most elementary definition of the word, but I wasn’t available emotionally to confide in them and thus they began to feel like outsiders in their own relationships. My girlfriends would pour their hearts out to me, share their greatest fears and biggest joys, but I would keep the simplest of emotions to myself.

Me, Myself & I…

Selfishness is my worst trait and my refusal to compromise has sabotaged my most recent relationships. There are two ways to do things in my eyes, my way and the wrong way, turns out my way is usually the wrong way.  My inability to give in, bend just a little bit, has been a major hurdle in my two long-term relationships. I’m a stubborn kind of fellow that wears displeasure like a new Polo shirt, so I’m used to getting my way, but not giving in. Compromise is defined as settlement of differences by mutual concessions, concede, why would I do that? I know now that’s how relationships grow, that’s how people learn to trust you.

Trust…

Without going into detail, I’ll say that keeping the trust of the women who’ve loved me hasn’t been a strong suit of mine and regaining that trust wasn’t always my prime objective. I’ve developed bad habits over the years as a bachelor and have carried them into relationships. When you mix those habits with my selfishness and being emotionally unavailable and not being fully in love with my partner, I was always on the countdown to a breakup.

That love thing…

I’ve been “in love” a few days in my life, but many of those days haven’t been consecutive on anyone’s calendar , so in between I am the guy fed-up women write books about. I’ll spend too much time drinking with the boys at the bar, too much time watching television or too much time unaccounted for (draw your own conclusion), but not enough time showing how much I love my lady. I’ve taken women for granted to the point where their tears were forced to be reminders of why we were together in the first place, but I wasn’t ready to wipe away those tears with change.

Change: Yes we can…

That was me then, I’m fighting for growth and trying to lay that guy to rest, but only time will tell. To all the girls I’ve loved before (to all the girls I’ve cheated on before), I loved you, really loved you, but I wasn’t able to love you the way you needed then and left you waiting to exhale. Hopefully you’re breathing easier in your current relationships and you’re not dealing with the nonsense I put you through. I’m a work in progress, learning to love myself differently, to love others better. But that’s another story, for another time…

About the Writer

“The Bachelor’s Archive” is Plainfield, NJ native Al-Lateef Farmer’s online diary that examines his previous romantic interactions as he attempts to close one chapter of his life and begins to write the next with happier endings in mind. Through these weekly looks in the mirror, he attempts to be as transparent as ever and answer the question he asks himself most, “Do I want to be a bachelor forever?”

Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef, social commentary rooted in independent thought that tackles everything from politics to pop culture, Reality Television to relationships, and is unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal! Take a trip at http://worldaccording2teef.blogspot.com/