*This is my communiqué to the blushing bride-to-be…
Dear Ms. Lady-Girl,
First, I’d like to congratulate you on your recent engagement and wish you luck with your marriage. I am pleased that you have found someone with whom you’re willing to spend the rest of forever and desire that you guys make it that long. However, there are a few things that I wanted to share with you that you wouldn’t allow me to say when we spoke.
When I saw the pictures of your fiancé proposing to you on Facebook I was genuinely excited for you and loved the expressions on your face as the pictures provided a replay of his asking of your hand in marriage. When you decided to e-mail me the entire assortment of pictures from that evening, I was still cool, because I figured you just wanted to share. Then you called to share the news with me and though I thought that was a bit much, I understood that you’re extremely happy at this time and you just wanted folks to share in your joy.
But the contents of that call left a sour taste in my tummy and really changed my opinion about you. Once the small talk subsided, you dove right in and your exuberance was apparent, also were the intentions of your call. You didn’t call to share; you called to gloat, which I found to be funny and disturbing. The call you made should’ve been reserved for those bitter chicks you associate with or someone who actually gives a @#$%, not the one they refer to as Teef. Even when you said that you had found your happiness and I was still on my way to being a lonely old man I let you get your rocks off, because I’m a nice guy like that.
No more Mr. Nice Guy…
The truth is, the three weeks we were kicking it were cool and in fact, I had a good time reconnecting with you and getting to know you better. But like I told you in our third conversation, we were two ships sailing in opposite directions, you were looking to fall in love and marry, I was reconfiguring the concept of a relationship and emotionally unavailable at the time to provide whatever it was you were looking for. But, we enjoyed each other’s company and spent a significant amount of time together. I admit we fell victim to horny once or twice; vodka, circumstance and opportunity tends to make that happen occasionally, but even when I said we’d gone too far, you kept pushing for me to make you the lady in my life. I actually considered it during timeout of a Lakers game, but then Kobe hit a jump shot and the fleeting thought became “what was I thinking about again”?
The reality of the matter was and maybe is I could never be the man for you, because the man you need in your life needs prescription writing capabilities, because I believe you’re mentally unstable. During those three weeks, I started to notice erratic behavior and observe your actions to be beyond eccentric and bordering on psychosis. So I decided to step off before your still waters got too deep and wished you nothing but the best and hoped that in your journey you would discover what was happening in your head and seek the answers that would help you.
Our ships had set sail and my compass navigated me towards self-actualization, while yours led you into the arms of a man that has decided to love you for who you are forever and a day. I applaud the two of you, but calling me a year after we shared 19 days to put your engagement ring in my face, is not cool and pretty much confirms my thoughts of the delusional waters you tend to cruise in from time to time. To answer your supposition, yes I’m still alone, but far from lonely. So, the next time you decide you have something you would like to say to me, put a message in a bottle baby…