*If you’ve seen Love Actually (2003), then you have a decent idea of what to expect to get from this shameless rip-off with none of the charm of the delightful romantic comedy it so desperately seeks to emulate.

The original, set in London during the Christmas season, engagingly explored an array of both lighthearted and sobering relationship issues through the prism of 10 couples in conflict.

The essence of Love Actually’s appeal lay in the deceptive fashion in which its endearing characters were introduced, developed and serendipitously intertwined en route to a satisfying payoff.

By contrast, this relatively-dreadful endeavor fails miserably in its attempt to generate the same sort of magic. The movie unfolds in Los Angeles over the course of one incredibly-eventful Valentine’s Day where we find emotional depth replaced by increasingly-infuriating superficiality.

Instead of sophisticated, insightful badinage we hear crude, locker room banter. And intriguing tales leading to realistic revelations are replaced with implausible ones leading to shocking, rabbit-out-of-the-hat developments.

A brief intro to a few of the plot’s primary threads ought to be enough to give you a sense of the scale of the disaster. Receptionist Liz (Anne Hathaway) is having a hard time hiding the fact that she’s moonlighting as a phone sex operator from her new beau, Jason (Topher Grace), the mail room clerk. Not to worry, he’s so dumb he thinks Valentine’s Day falls on Thursday every year.

Their bipolar boss, high-powered sports agent Paula (Queen Latifah), even has Liz’s back in a pinch. For this sassy sister is a sexual animal who refers to herself as a “true African Queen,” which means she is more than willing to cover by talking dirty with Liz’s callers in a pinch. One of Paula’s clients is 35 year-old Sean Jackson (Eric Dane), a fading pro football star who is celebrated as the gay Jackie Robinson for finally coming out of the closet at the twilight of his career.

But every pathetic attempt at humor falls flat, whether it be a Jewish mother warning a couple of nuns she asked to hold her baby that “You should know we’re Jewish,” or Jamie Foxx explaining “I am the chocolate” as an excuse for not having a Valentine’s Day gift for his girlfriend. That Bob Dylan song with the line “You just kinda wasted my precious time” accurately sums up my feelings after watching this two-hour test of patience.

Poor (0 stars)
Rated PG-13 for sexuality and brief nudity.
Running time: 125 Minutes
Distributor: Warner Home Video
Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital Combo Pack Extras:

To order a copy of Valentine’s Day on Blu-ray, visit:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002ZG99UY?ie=UTF8&tag=thslfofire-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002ZG99UY

To see a trailer for Valentine’s Day, visit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxED1aNybW4