I know a lot of women gonna hate it
but, somebody’s gotta say it
And so I nominated myself to deliver the news
that its hard for a man to choose a lady
that already got a baby

Lyfe Jennings “She Got Kids”

There are plenty of men out there that will date and marry women with children, but I am not one of them. My step-father married my mother when I was 13 and raised me through my teen years like I was his own (and I love him for that), however, that ain’t in me. I’ve managed to cross 30 without children, spending significant time in jail or losing any of my teeth, the least I should want is a woman that matches that criteria. I know what I just wrote isn’t going to gain me any brownie points, but it’s honest and that’s all I can be within the parameters of these paragraphs.

Over the years I’ve gotten involved with more than my fair share of single mothers, but more than my fair share of those situations have ended with me speaking inaudibly over the protests or even worse the tears of a woman that wasn’t listening to what I said three months prior when I told her that we could never be too serious because she had a child. Trust me, I meant what I said when you wasn’t listening, and no matter how great a time you think we had, it wasn’t that good. And you know what, I’ll take the blame for that, because I should’ve stepped off when I found out you had a little one (or damn near grown one) at home.

But time after time here I am again and again having this same conversation, twice. I take the blame for not totally committing to what I say and giving these women the smallest part of me, even though I’ve learned they’ll see something so much bigger. And they’re all looking for what I was out here perpetrating, a guy worth risking it all for, introducing your son or daughter, but at times not really worth giving your real name to. Yeah I was good for a few laughs and a couple months of good whatever, but I told you during that first conversation that I wasn’t sure if I wanted children and I could never see myself with a woman that had kids previously.

My desire to have children of my own is as uncertain as the weather we face upon opening our eyes each morning, so to get myself involved in a relationship with a woman that has one or two already is placing myself in a situation that I really didn’t want to, but have repeatedly. I never want to be face-to-face with the situation of having a child with a woman that has a child and be expected to love her child and mine equally. It is asinine to believe that I would love something that is of me the same as a child that I pretty much signed up for. It is unfair to put that type of expectation on any man and at this point, I’m not ashamed to say I’m not man enough to take on that task.

Many of you have laid down and had babies by a guy that really isn’t handling his business as a father, yet doesn’t want you to find happiness of your own, because “he don’t want another man around his kids”. I really don’t have the space in my life for that type of drama and frankly, I’m not a fighter, so I just avoid the situation altogether.

I’m hardly ever right in situations regarding women, so I’m confident I was wrong with you, you, you, you, you, and you for thinking that words at the beginning would correspond with actions before the end. So, here I am watching Nightline, reading the blogs, trying to figure out just where I fit into this conundrum of single Black women with a million restrictions and the qualifications of a fool. Because I’d rather be alone than to raise the child of another man…

About the writer

Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef. Plainfield, NJ native Al-Lateef Farmer is a self-styled social documentarian that tackles everything from politics to pop culture, Reality TV to relationships with a brand of social commentary rooted in independent thought that is unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal! Take a trip to his world at http://worldaccording2teef.blogspot.com/