*Dating expert, advice columnist and author Deborrah Cooper blasts traditional Black churches and charges that they are the root cause for the high numbers of single Black women in the U.S.
With all the media coverage (CNN, Nightline, NY Times, ABC) of the “plight” of the single black woman, and the blaming of Black women for being single, this author felt it past time to examine other reasons which could be important contributors to this sad statistic:
Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced.
It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females.
Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!
This is the true reason that there are so many single, never married Black women in the United States – Black churches. Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Single Black Females in Church
Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?
An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”
Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.
The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”
The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”
What Do The PEW Study Results Mean For Single Black Women?
They mean that:
- Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious.
- Going to church is not getting you the husband you seek.
- Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men.
- Going to church is not where you are going to find eligible bachelors to date.
- Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman.
- Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy.
Going to church makes you a sheep, blindly following the mandates of a small group of men you have placed in your life in a position of power. Going to church makes you malleable and predictable, and narrows your thinking and thus limits your options.
Going to church for single Black women is a waste of time.
There ARE Single Men in Church, However…
Read the rest of this article at SurvivingDating.com.
I couldn’t agree more with this article’s conclusions.
This is a buncha bullshit. I don’t go to church on a regular basis because I don’t abide by man and his foolishness. I roll with God and don’t need no hypocrites to push their phony indoctrination on my when I know better. But to say that the Black church has the Black woman husbandless is ridiculous. If that’s the case than you can say the laws of the US and society as a whole does the same thing. Look how many fools this gov’t got paying taxes without question, when they don’t have to. Same shit.
well thought out and articulated.
Whats sad is that it will be largely wasted on the target audience.
SO many black women–instead of paying attention to and following the logic, which makes a lot of sense–will hastily and blindly take offense for no reason at all…which will lead to unfounded, half-baked, nonsensical rebuttals (like confusing tax laws being the reason why so many black women are single) that have no where near the amount of careful consideration, observation, and study to support them as this article does.
And then more women than won’t, will agree with that kind of ridiculousness JUST because they dont want to admit this woman might be on to something here…ironically, demonstrating some of the very same conservatism and closed-mindedness Deborrah speaks of here.
For what its worth,
I am a single man who is somewhat repulsed by some of the social norms imposed by church life and tends to avoid women to deep into their church for some of the same reasons concluded here…most notably the last two.
This is not “a buncha of bullshit.” This is a well thoughtout, presented, and well-written article. Why do we, as African Americans, give so much to religion, while getting little to nothing in return. You pray, but your prayers are not answered. You pay your ties but receive no promised reward in return. I believe that there is something greater than me in the universe, but I no longer believe, as I did as a child, what I was taught in Sunday school. I’ve spent a lot of time reading the Bible the last year and Blacks need to remember that it was written by MEN. And like all MEN, they had their particular preferences and beliefs. Living a quote “christian life” while still experiencing a very difficult financial and business firestorm has me totally re-thinking what faith is and the amount of time that I’m going to devote to it — if any. My preference is to treat people the way I want to be treated but not put my faith in God or man, because both are subject to let you down. And I’m certainly too intellient to look for a husband through the Black church, for all the rational reasons the writer outlined in her column. I really enjoyed reading a well-written and intellient article exploring this important issue.
Thank you, Not That Faithful Any More!!! This article really resonated with ME for a couple of reasons. It is so well-written. It sounds like the outline for an academic treatise. I am not of any religious faith or denomination, etc. I am a “woman of a certain age,” and until this past March (when I became officially engaged), I WAS wanting a husband, but I had no idea where to look for one. I KNEW that I wasn’t going to set foot inside of any club (been there and done that–with DISASTROUS results). I thought to myself, “‘They’ say there are eligible men in church.” I thought about it and what a hypocrite I would feel like setting foot in a church, knowing FULL WELL that I believe almost NOTHING that would be said in a church. (I was once a member of the Nation of Islam.)
I am now engaged to someone I met when I was 13 years old. We have both been married to other people, AND we are in-laws. He is a widower, and I have been married twice. Neither one of us is a perfect human being, but I know we will have a wonderful marriage because I have a great deal of respect for him (something absent in my first two marriages), AND he thinks I am smart.
Good Afternoon to ALL,
It is very unfortunate that we are always ready to believe the worst to justify why something is not happening in our lives according to our plan.
To the man who doesn’t want to date women “too deep” in the church…Maybe he doesn’t want to be held responsible for his role as a man according to God (priest, provider and protector)
To the person who doesn’t pray anymore because her prayers aren’t answered…maybe they are being answered, but not in the way you are demanding!
To the author who used to go to church AS A CHILD, if you don’t go know, how do you know what is happening now? Moreover, you or anyone else should not be going to church to look for a mate!!!!! I have not seen one church named, “First Baptist Church for black single women looking for a mate?”
Equally as important, the Bible was written by man WITH the inspiration of God. If you are going to a church that makes you follow manmade rules, then you are in the wrong church and you should run away as fast as you can.
For those people who don’t go to church because of hypocrisy, there is always an excuse to not do something and the devil will always bring an excuse for inaction before a solution for action can be considered.
Lastly, as most importantly, why are YOU READERS so willing to accept what this bitter woman has to say about how you should view church. The Black Church was here before she was born and for sure it will be here long after she is gone. She included not one bit of her personal information to validate such alleged study. Is she married? If so, it must be an unhappy one, otherwise she shouldn’t have time to discourage others. If she is not married, again, what does she know. How many people has she or is she currently dating? How many were from the church and how many from the world? Did she previously date a Pastor or somebody, why such hostility?
Please people…use your own mind and stop being so gullible…every thing that walks like a duck is not a duck; likewise, this woman with seemingly good advice is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing attempting to keep you away from God’s word (which is designed to help you navigate through the world) by making untrue and biases statements about her limited knowledge by throwing out a few insignificant stats prepared by someone else.
I hope my comments will cause you to pause whenever information comes your way by using the Holy Spirit to guide you (if you are saved) in deciphering fact from fiction.
My people perish because of the lack of knowledge. Do you own research.
Good day!!
speaking of research, I’d like to see yours that backs up all these personal attacks you are launching.
You dare to get up on here and try to tell somebody else how gullible they are when all you’re doing is spewing rhetorical questions and ambiguous answers to hard questions your pastor can’t answer.
You have the chance to openly discuss and defend your point of view with intelligent dialogue amongst a group of your peers and the best you can do is ask rhetorical questions and challenge my manhood…spout cliche Christian catch-phrases and tell people to do research while you, ironically, make claims about people you don’t know shit about?
THAT right there, YOU sister or brother, are the reason why I don’t date people too deep n the church. People like you who seem to think they can say whatever the hell they want as long as they put God in the title and wont nobody snap back because “they such a god fear man/woman and no insult, no matter how insulting, could count as an insult as long as they’re saying it and she mentions God.”
Get over yourself.
Oh by the way…
how do you know Christianity is the right religion? How do you know that’s what God wants you to do? Cause the bible said it? Ok, how do you know those are God’s words or his “Inspiration”? How do you know who’s been sent to keep you from God’s words? Rain keeps baseball players out of the baseball field, but that doesn’t meant thats its purpose. stop being so gullible, use your mind, do your own research…blah blah blah
see how easy it is to turn that weak ass argument right back at you? Do better please.
First, allow me to apologize for causing you to be offended. It was truly not my intent to bring you to anger, but just like you had a right to agree, I have a right to disagree.
It is unfortunate that you can only use street vernacular to express your opinions. I used appropriately language in my comments and I would certainly appreciate it if you would do the same, especially for the purposes of this public website.
It is apparent that you do not know the God that I know nor do you attend my church; otherwise, you would understand what millions of Christians (throughout the world) already believe and know, regardless of the gender of their pastor or church head, that Jesus Christ is the way, truth and the life.
In case the my overall message got lost: It should sadden you that in this day and age when people are looking for spiritual enlightenment and change by attending church that an unknown author writes a piece about why not to go to church. She could have simply expressed her thoughts and not touted them statistical data to discourage black women from attending church….so they should just sit home discouraged??? It that the answer? Now if she were truly trying to help SOMEBODY/ANYBODY, she should have told them that it is a bad idea to go looking for your mate in church!!!!
Brother, I hope this exchange of comments will cause you to rethink this article and your position.
*sigh* smh
first, stop flattering yourself…it’ll take more than an blindly offended internet troll with nothing relevant to add to the conversation to get me angry…I’m mildly vexed at most. That said:
+1 for the apology
+2 for realizing what you should’ve done
-10 for recommitting the offense
I have college degrees…but given how OFF TOPIC that and my abilities (which you still don’t know anything about) are, I won’t bore you with the details, I’m on LinkedIn if you want to read my resume. none of that has anything to do with your apparent inability to contribute meaningfully to the conversation, so just know that I can and will write professionally when appropriate; and since the good book does say you reap what you sow, please understand your immaturity certainly wont evoke the respect that comes with my professionalism.
Now here we go with the little cliche catch phrases again. There’s a difference between having faith and simply spewing off a set of pre-constructed responses like an answering machine, you know.
The questions I asked you were not a prompt for you to question my Faith…trust, when appropriate I can do that on my own. It was an example illustrating a point that clearly went over your head so here’s the abridged version: TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE. Don’t call people sheep and claim they aren’t using their mind when the very same could easily be said of you. Like I said, that’s a weak argument (if you could call it that) and has no place in this discussion.
Third…stop putting words in people’s mouths. She did exactly what you said she should..told people not to look for a mate in church. Like you said, you can agree or disagree, but dont distort her message and go completely off topic. The information she presented is purposed simply to back up her position with solid reasoning and observational justification, something anyone worth listening to should do. Deborrah didn’t pull this out the blue sky, she didn’t say anything here that isn’t supported by some kernel of truth…if the description doesn’t fit your church, so be it…be proud and move on, but what’s written here needed to be because there are churches like this out there.
She never said don’t go to church at all, she just told you why you wont find any romantic interests there and not to look. The church is nothing but a building, your faith won’t crumble if you’re not in one, Jesus himself never really had one. Besides nobody said people couldn’t change churches, a lot of christians have attended/been members of more than 1 church and I dont see them burning in hell yet. Nobody has to sit at home being discouraged (if they ever felt that way to begin with, cuz that’s quite an assumption) unless they’re helpless enough not to be able to think for themselves and go try something else.
We’re talking about how drowning themselves in the black church can contribute to sistas being single. That doesn’t mean anybody is suggesting you give up your faith, or change your beliefs…she didn’t say Christianity was messing up the game for black women…we’re talking about the man made social structure of the black church (that is no more vital to your faith than the grass in your yard) choking sistas socially.
If you have to rebut, lets try to stay in those lines…this time WITHOUT the personal attacks and irrelevant tangents disguised as christian advice/unsolicited “pity” for one’s supposed misfortunes…or just leave it be, cuz anything else would be a waste of time.
Mothership, I totally agree with your point to an extent. Most churches and/or religions are male dominated but the article also seemed to do a little black male bashing. What about the Southern baptist white leadership or the conservative fundamental Christians which male dominated? Those women who follow them (and some of them ARE black women) have spouses or siginificant others, too. If you want to blame the churches, blame the indoctrination of religion since the times of slavery, when it was used to ‘tame’ and keep us subservient. I find religion in general to be divisive and shakedown, regardless who is preaching the gospel. I believe in God and a higher power and I believe we all have it within ourselves if we seek it.
This article is interesting but some of the arguments are little shaky to me and as I said before, I’m not of any religious faction or denomination.
This is not black male bashing at all. It’s stupid women bashing. Women that don’t think for themselves and blindly follow what a pastor says. Women that don’t understand the game being played on them.
Men are not in churches so how is that bashing them? The only single men that ARE in church are those gaming on women in some way, shape or form. I would think if I wanted to bash them, I could do it with impunity. Why would you think such a knucklehead deserves my respect?
Hmmm, very interesting. I concur with the writer. There are a lot of great points mentioned in this article, but why are women going to church to look for a man/husband in the first place? Churches should be spiritual supermarkets not a meat markets. Besides, if church is the whole of your life, then your relationship is doomed anyway.
ITA NYSoul.
Good Afternoon to ALL,
It is very unfortunate that we are always ready to believe the worst to justify why something is not happening in our lives according to our plan.
To the man who doesn’t want to date women “too deep” in the church…Maybe he doesn’t want to be held responsible for his role as a man according to God (priest, provider and protector)
To the person who doesn’t pray anymore because her prayers aren’t answered…maybe they are being answered, but not in the way you are demanding!
To the author who used to go to church AS A CHILD, if you don’t go know, how do you know what is happening now? Moreover, you or anyone else should not be going to church to look for a mate!!!!! I have not seen one church named, “First Baptist Church for black single women looking for a mate?”
Equally as important, the Bible was written by man WITH the inspiration of God. If you are going to a church that makes you follow manmade rules, then you are in the wrong church and you should run away as fast as you can.
For those people who don’t go to church because of hypocrisy, there is always an excuse to not do something and the devil will always bring an excuse for inaction before a solution for action can be considered.
Lastly, as most importantly, why are YOU READERS so willing to accept what this bitter woman has to say about how you should view church. The Black Church was here before she was born and for sure it will be here long after she is gone. She included not one bit of her personal information to validate such alleged study. Is she married? If so, it must be an unhappy one, otherwise she shouldn’t have time to discourage others. If she is not married, again, what does she know. How many people has she or is she currently dating? How many were from the church and how many from the world? Did she previously date a Pastor or somebody, why such hostility?
Please people…use your own mind and stop being so gullible…every thing that walks like a duck is not a duck; likewise, this woman with seemingly good advice is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing attempting to keep you away from God’s word (which is designed to help you navigate through the world) by making untrue and biases statements about her limited knowledge by throwing out a few insignificant stats prepared by someone else.
I hope my comments will cause you to pause whenever information comes your way by using the Holy Spirit to guide you (if you are saved) in deciphering fact from fiction.
My people perish because of the lack of knowledge. Do you own research.
Good day!!
speaking of research, I’d like to see yours that backs up all these personal attacks you are launching.
You dare to get up on here and try to tell somebody else how gullible they are when all you’re doing is spewing rhetorical questions and ambiguous answers to hard questions your pastor can’t answer.
You have the chance to openly discuss and defend your point of view with intelligent dialogue amongst a group of your peers and the best you can do is ask rhetorical questions and challenge my manhood…spout cliche Christian catch-phrases and tell people to do research while you, ironically, make claims about people you don’t know shit about?
THAT right there, YOU sister or brother, are the reason why I don’t date people too deep n the church. People like you who seem to think they can say whatever the hell they want as long as they put God in the title and wont nobody snap back because “they such a god fear man/woman and no insult, no matter how insulting, could count as an insult as long as they’re saying it and she mentions God.”
Get over yourself.
Oh by the way…
how do you know Christianity is the right religion? Where do you get your ideas from, how did your mother, and your grandmother, and her mother, and all your ancestors come to “know” these things they passed on to you, ever wonder…or bother to question it? since you love research and using your mind so much, how do you know that’s what God wants you to do? Cause the bible said it? Ok, how do you know those are God’s words or his “Inspiration”? Cause the white people who brought your ancestors over here said that? the ones that also enlsaved them and used that very same bible as one of many justifications as to why they should be enslaved, those white people? Ok fine, who told them, how do they know? Think Christmas is Jesus’ birthday, AAANNNTT WRONG…Pagan Holiday, actually opposed by the Christians at one point in history, now we all just celebrate the hell out of it. How do you know who’s been sent to keep you from God’s words? Rain keeps baseball players out of the baseball field, but that doesn’t meant thats its purpose. stop being so gullible, use your mind, do your own research…blah blah blah
see how easy it is to turn that weak ass argument right back at you? Do better please.
Best post on this entire thread. You have my stamp of approval.
ITA! Good damn post Rocksolid!!
Wake up people, why do the churches tell you to sit still & be silenced?======================================= ================================================ =======Jeremiah 8:14 Why do we sit still? assemble yourselves, and let us enter into the defenced cities, and let us be silent there: for the LORD our God hath put us to silence, and given us water of gall to drink, because we have sinned against the LORD. 15 We looked for peace, but no good came; and for a time of health, and behold trouble!======================================== ================================================ ============Jeremiah 8:19 Behold the voice of the cry of the daughter of my people because of them that dwell in a far country: Is not the LORD in Zion? is not her king in her? Why have they provoked me to anger with their graven images, and with strange vanities?
===========================================Judgement will begin in the house of God, 1st Peter 4:17 For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God? ===========================================The churches are taught Christ will come like a thief in the night, look what the scriptures say on that.======== 1st thessalonians 5:1 But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you. 2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night. 3 For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape. ===========================================Nehemiah 6:10 Afterward I came unto the house of Shemaiah the son of Delaiah the son of Mehetabeel, who was shut up; and he said, Let us meet together in the house of God, within the temple, and let us shut the doors of the temple: for they will come to slay thee; yea, in the night will they come to slay thee. 6:11 And I said, Should such a man as I flee? and who is there, that, being as I am, would go into the temple to save his life? I will not go in.
(God is telling people, come out of the churches, a great evil is there) Jeremiah 51:45 My people, go ye out of the midst of her, and deliver ye every man his soul from the fierce anger of the LORD. Revelation 18:4 And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues. 18:5 For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities. Ecclesiastes 10:18 By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through.
10:19 A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.
Satan takes great pride in his army of followers,all the churches. God is saving those one by one, remember one will be taken the other left. Those in the churches are full of worries & anger, lovers of the world, so the Father is not in them.
PREACHERS WANT THEM FOR THEMSELVES
Tell it!
‘It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females.’
She hasn’t been to church in a long long while and isn’t qualified to make this assertion! If a black church going woman is single and lonely it would be more because she’s going to church looking for a husband instead of to serve the Lord. Additionally, women have headed households too long for the church to expect them to be submissive and anyone with a church home can tell you that. Besides that the majority of black preachers stopped standing on that scripture because men weren’t bringing enough home to care for wife, children and home so that the woman didn’t have to work!! Women have to be realistic about this situation if they ever expect to get married. The first step always is to position yourself – if you want a good man you HAVE to be a good woman – same for the man. It would also behoove women to get rid of the lists (how’s that workin’ out for you?), stop checking for your type cause if he lives, breathes and works – that’s your type. Most of all its time to look past what he does for an honest living cause not all marriagable black men are climbing the corporate ladder. Studies like this create unnecessary questions and stress and really aren’t based on the truth!
Thank you and I certainly appreciate your response. I so agree, if you want a good man then you should be a good woman. It is just a shame that the devil has soooo many deceived and people see nothing wrong with this woman’s article. Keep “holding up the light”!!! Thanks again.
I love being submissive to my man and I don’t go to church to seek God. When I go to church it is to fellowship with others who are trying to stay on a path of righteousness. It’s in no way perfect, and simply a stepping stone to be a better persona and live a better life. People have to be able to discern. When I want to get with God, I seek within, because that is where he dwells in each and every one of us. I know that goes over a lot of people’s head, but the God that we seek is already in us. I know that churches in general can be misguided on how they choose to operate and function as a whole to really help people. Churches tell you what you should be doing according to biblical standards and I understand that, but churches fail to tell you how or to give people the resources they need to sustain. I’m talking about spiritual resources. Just reading scriptures from the Bible to a congregation is not enough. True fellowship is leaning and helping each other outside of the church walls and that goes a long way than just preaching from a pulpit on Sundays or reading your bible. I have to really get to know my church sisters and brothers as people first before I can come to them and start witnessing. That’s just human nature. And this is where trust gets built thereby making relationships stronger among us all. If I have the audacity to tell someone else what they Bible says to do, then I sure as heck better be living up to the standards to which I preach, otherwise, my witnessing is falling on deaf ears and it also makes me hypocritical, but then again, we’re still human.
Wish I’d seen this earlier. I can tell that most people here didn’t read the article, they just read the clip here. Nowhere in the article did I say that women go to church SOLELY to seek a man. But if a woman doesn’t go to clubs, and she wants a religious man like she is, where else would she look for a like minded individual but in church? Isn’t that what “fellowshipping” is all about? Being around people like you????
Black women do not need to go to church to serve any master – their husband, the pastor, nor the Lord. God is not locked up in churches anyway, that is the most erroneous assumption. GOd is wherever you are. But what IS in churches, as we’ve discovered subsequent to the publishing of that article is a lot of fiendish crooked people with greed and hate in their hearts.
I think more sick people go to church looking to be saved from themselves. People that are mentally and emotionally healthy, solid in their self esteem and able to handle their problems don’t need to go to church looking for “help.” Only desperate people go to church, or those that go out of sheer habit because they act a complete fool fornicating, having babies out of wedlock, lying cheating and thinking evil thoughts the other 6 days of the week.