Monica Cost

Where are our values? What has become of the dating game? While in conversation with a good friend, we stumbled upon the conversation of dating. She made a comment that while she liked a particular guy, he had not yet taken her on a real date. Hmmm, I thought. Do guys still take “girls” on “real” dates? I mean like the kind where he calls on a day before Wednesday to invite her out for Friday night. I mean like the kind where he says “wear something nice because I’m taking you somewhere special”. Or the kind where he finds out ahead of time what kind of food or events she likes, and plans accordingly. Or the kind where he shows up with flowers and opens her car door for her. Or the kind where he’s arranged for special seating at an event.

I have a few friends who’ve mentioned having watered down versions of these scenarios, but I can’t say that I know of it happening on any regular basis. I would like to know when this happened. Have women become so independent that men aren’t feeling like we would appreciate those gestures? Are women requiring something different from men as it relates to the courting process? Or have our values changed?

With all of the quick in and out relationships, it appears that we may want to take a moment to get back to the basics of getting to know one another and understanding values. It may be difficult for us to find our own reality in relationships with all of the images that appear on our phones, computers and television screens of the beautiful people and their “fabulous” lives.

Physical attraction is an important part of a budding new relationship. However, I believe, in my humble opinion, that the sustainability of a relationship comes when their are shared values, or at a minimum an understanding and appreciation of them. Values are something that we don’t talk about often enough and I would venture to say, that is certainly is not usually a conversation we have with our potential mates on a deep enough level. It may be easy to tell if a man or woman values “good looks” because of who they are attracted to. However, we don’t look at our values like, dependability, integrity, education, freedom, options, etc.

This becomes problematic when the other person is unaware of what you value, especially when they do something that is in conflict with one of them. For instance, if you value dependability and your significant other doesn’t know that you do, then they will not understand when you hit the roof after your third time saying you were going to do something that you didn’t do. It may be something as simple as getting someone’s phone number for them. While it may seem like an easy fix or something they could have done themselves, the problem is that they now feel  that they can’t count on you; which is in direct conflict with something they really care about.

Maybe as a women you value “adoration”. If your significant other does everything they say they’re going to do, and they clean the house frequently, he may be confused when she gets upset because he didn’t hug and kiss her upon entering the house. Values. It’s all about the values.

Caring. Admiration. Respect. Appreciation. Fitness. These values and more are very important to first identify for yourself and then to know about your potential or existing mate. We could probably clear up so much if we just took a moment to understand values.

Back to my dating scene discussion. Maybe we’re just not valuing the early phone calls, the planning, the adoration, the consideration. What do you think?

For more on living out your true values relationally, as well as aesthetically, professionally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and parentally, check out the new book “The Things I Used to do to Sneeze!: How to live an authentic life with awesome sensations at

Monica Cost is communications strategist, brand manager and respected corporate and motivational speaker, and President and Founder of Evidently Assured, a communications and brand management firm.  In addition, she was written a new book that has begun a movement to authentic living entitled “The Things Used to do to Sneeze!: How to live an authentic life with awesome sensations. Email her at:  [email protected] Follow her via Twitter: @monicacost and