Monica Cost

*There are some subjects that never seem to get old. A few of them include, celebrity screw ups, sex scandals and finally relationships. Celebrity screw ups don’t interest me, unless I know the source and get the truth (which almost never happens). Sex scandals. . . blah, blah, blah. We’re a sexually oppressed society. Now on to relationships. Given the number of people I speak with and the how many times they ultimately embark on the topic of relationships, I am completely and totally intrigued by the subject matter and the various nuances that arise.

Why can’t we figure this thing out? The women are complaining about the men, all while trying to get their attention. The men are complaining about the women, all while chasing them. Women speak one language. Men speak another. Women want to be romanced and men want to be appreciated. I believe we all want to be loved and accepted at a basic level. Loved and accepted for who we are. . .and there, ladies and gentlemen, in lies the problem.

Who, exactly, are we? And when we know, do we show? And if we show it, will we still be loved and accepted? Humor me a moment while I offer up a theory.

We all have ways we desire to feel, with loved and accepted being at the top (I’m sure this falls somewhere in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). Now that being said, our upbringing and/or genetics give us a few more desired sensations. They could include needing feelings of respect, admiration, adoration, etc. These sensations guide our behavior.

So we have ways we like to feel. No big deal, right? The interesting part comes when we find someone who makes us feel exactly the way we want to, like loved, admired, accepted, etc. And then, we abandon other important things like our values, because we’re so content (for the moment) with the sensation gratification. For example, say you need to feel admired and you find someone who makes you feel that way. The satisfaction of that feeling may blind you to the fact that he or she does not value community, God or consideration; which are all big values for you.

What happens next is critical and the determining factor for the success or failure of your relationship. Read more on this in “The Things I Used to do to Sneeze!: How to live an authentic life with awesome sensations” (available on Kindle and paperback at

This theory leaves me a fan of courting for any plans of a longterm relationship. It’s easy to fall for someone you find attractive and who speaks to the very thing that makes you feel the most fulfilled. It’s more challenging to address the misalignment of values that rear their ugly head when the dust settles. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still big on the stage of the initial attraction. It’s real and it’s way fun. However, I am not big on Living in the Land of Make Believe. The place where we pretend that our values are aligned and that because the person makes you feel a certain way that you forge ahead, anyway. Later, you wonder how you arrived at the place where you’re fussing and fighting, out of touch and out of love. It’s the “value” in the story that will decide the ending.

Find the value in YOUR story and have a happy ending.

To hear more on this subject, tune in with Monica tonight (Thursday 12/15 starting at 9:50pm EST on on Kissing After Dark with Lenny Green.

Monica Cost is Brand and Transitional Strategist, and respected corporate and motivational speaker. She is the President and

Founder of Evidently Assured, a communications and brand management firm and the Founder of the Live Your Truth Experience (L.Y.T.E.). Monica is the Author of the new life changing book “The Things I Used to do to Sneeze!: How to live an authentic life with awesome sensation.”  Email her at:  [email protected] Follow her via Twitter: @monicacost and

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