steven ivory

Steven Ivory

*Hurry up, it’s long distance. You sound like a broken record. Get up and change the channel. Reality TV will never last. I need the Wite-Out. I got a busy signal. I don’t know what time it is–I don’t have a watch. Turn the record over.  Does the car have electric windows?

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I need to find a phone booth. If you miss that TV show tonight, you won’t be able to see it again. Facebook is for kids.  Does anybody have a camera? Look in the Yellow Pages. Where’s the Liquid Paper? She’s frigid. The turntable needs a new needle.

Send it Western Union. I erased the tape. America will never elect a woman  president. No pain, no gain. Look it up in the encyclopedia. They’re sending it Air Mail.  I’ll have  a malt.  You can always get a job at the Post Office.  Rewind the cassette tape. They’re using a diaper service.

Operator, get me…. Of  course, I’ve heard their new song–I have the 45 single. The Sunday newspaper sure is thick.  They’re calling collect.  It’s on reel to reel. She’s deaf and dumb.  We’re gonna watch the movie on VCR. HIV is a death sentence. Real rock stars don’t do TV.

I’ll never be without a landline. Nothing makes money on the Internet but porn. Trust me, people will always read a book over anything else.  Here, Miss,  let  me get that door for you.   They’re talented, but without the backing of  a major label, no one will ever hear them. Only freaks do online dating.

Cancer is a death sentence. Women don’t watch porn.  It won’t close; it’s a bank.  I chose teaching because it’s stable employment.  Yeah, okay, but the networks will never air “Reality” shows.  A black president?  One day, perhaps, but not  in our lifetime.

Steven Ivory, journalist and author of the essay collection Fool In Love  (Simon & Schuster),  has covered popular culture for magazines, newspapers, radio and TV for more than 30 years. Respond to him via [email protected].