Darryl James
*Pick up any given women’s magazine, and you will find something that has been enduring: Information about men.
The problem is that much of that information comes from women.
Typically, the magazines provide lists that women should follow in order to measure the worth of potential male mates. Those lists also explain what men must understand about women in order to get along with them.
I think those lists do women a disservice.
While men are ostensibly less complicated than women, there are still some basic issues that some women seem to have difficulty understanding.
For example, some women take the advice they should express their views to their mates on every occasion, but frankly, sometimes being silent while listening is far more valuable.
And, some of those magazines advise women to judge a man by how well he interacts with their girlfriends. This is a huge mistake because relationships should be based on the two people involved. If he treats the woman well, his interactions with her friends is not relevant.
I’ve heard so-called “relationship experts” tell women that there are certain things that men should just understand. That’s the silliest thing that anyone could tell another human being. The best thing to do is to have open discussions and express personalities to each other. That fosters understanding. There are no valid lists of things that men should just “know” about women.
It is a mistake to approach a relationship expecting that the two people would have everything in common. Honestly, some divergences are healthy and there are some fundamental differences between men and women. The goal is to understand and accept each other, not to become each other.
And, while we are discussing divergences, neither side of wrong for wanting what they want. If a man wants something different from you, decide that you will tolerate it or not. If you don’t want the same things, or don’t want to give them to a man, say so and we can keep it moving.
Finally, stop trying to invoke the fake “woman’s prerogative,” when changing your mind or claiming that you have the right to not be held to your own word.
Say what you mean and mean what you say, but more importantly, pay attention to what you say and don’t be angry when we do the same.
Telling a man that you don’t want a relationship, for example, is a mistake if you really do want one after having sex with him. And, if you say that “nothing” is wrong, don’t be angry when a man acts like nothing is wrong.
The bottom line is that men and women are different. The best way to understand the other side is to seek information from the other side.
Even better, seek information from the specific man you want to understand.
Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.” James’ stage play, “Love In A Day,” opened in Los Angeles in 2011 and will become a feature film in 2012. View previous installments of this column at www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com.
I basically agree with everything except “And, some of those magazines advise women to judge a man by how well he interacts with their girlfriends. This is a huge mistake because relationships should be based on the two people involved. If he treats the woman well, his interactions with her friends is not relevant.” I think we should always judge other people by how well they treat and interact with other people. This applies to both men and women and regardless of whether it is a relationship or just friendship. No matter how well a person treats you, how that person treats others tells you how they will react to you if the relationship or friendship takes a turn for the worse or ends.
‘The best thing to do is to have open discussions and express personalities to each other. That fosters understanding. There are no valid lists of things that men should just “know” about women.’
This is where we fail, we spend too much time talking about everything but the right things, the things that would create a greater and a deeper understanding between us. There is no one recipe for a successful relationship, but being able to articulate your thoughts in such a way as to provide understanding and insight into yourself will help immensely. It also helps when people come correct, leave their fake selves at home and bring the truth and nothing but to the table. Neither sex is complicated but both have learned some pretty bad habits that keep us from communicating effectively.
“The problem is that much of that information comes from women.”
On the flip side I have a problem with Black women’s magazines granting columns to ‘men’ but your magazines and outlets don’t return the favor. I’m so sick of the Steve Harvey types lecturing women with no concern about their own dismal failures in the relationship department.
Mr. James has certainly been insightful with this particular column. I would venture to write that, in the generality, women tend to have difficulty being able to differnate how one man is different from another man. Primarily, men differ in relationships in their approach to being a good teammate and whether or not he is spiritual; having some spiritual synergy is vital.