darryl james

Darryl James

*Any given single Black woman over the age of thirty-five is likely to list a host of problems with Black men as the reason for her inability to find love and marriage.

And, any give single Black mother is likely to list a host of issues with Black men, particularly their alleged predisposition to being “deadbeat” as the reason for their inability to garner male help in raising wayward children.

But, at the end of the day, we are facilitating the lack of responsibility when it comes to such situations.

To discuss the problems Black women themselves have which lead to single motherhood and growing old and unmarried, is to draw the ire of anyone listening. After all, it is popular to blame Black men for everything, while painting Black women as mere victims.

This method of outlining difficulties in America, and specifically in the Black community has done nothing to ameliorate the conditions. In fact, facilitating the victimhood of women has actually harmed women, while also harming other groups.

For example, blaming single motherhood on men has not raised the number of fathers present in the lives of children. Nor has it improved associated problems, such as the fact that only one third of teen mothers earn a high school diploma and less than two per cent earn a college degree before thirty years of age.

And since we know that children of young unwed mothers befall specific and now historic problems (females of these parents are likely to become teen mothers, while males are nearly streamlined to prison), why can’t the discussions turn from blaming those horrible men to the real reasons why the actual problems exist?

I’ve been asking one specific question for years (rhetorically), and no one ever dares to address it: “If fathers are absent from homes, how are they simultaneously to blame for the resultant problems with the children?”

The stock answer has to change. That answer is almost always that men must “step up.”

While that answer sounds good, it does nothing to move things forward. In fact, it causes a stagnation, and in many ways, a regression, because it places blame on people who are not present and exonerates the people who are present and should be accountable.

The bottom line is that even if women accept all of the lies about men, they still must accept responsibility for their own choices and actions.

As a single woman, it doesn’t matter how many men you believe are available—you know there are available men and your task is to be the best woman you can be when you come across one.

As a single mother, it doesn’t matter what the father does—you know there are father figures available and your task is to place them in your children’s lives.

All other arguments are ignorant and at the end of the day, unproductive—even if you were right.