Closeup portrait of a happy young woman smiling isolated on white background*Attention, sisters! You are under attack. I repeat, ‘You are under attack.’

This will probably land me in the doghouse, but I’m gonna say it anyway: white women are stealing your thunder. I repeat, white women are stealing your thunder! I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true (just look around)

Whew, glad that’s over.

Sisters, I realize this may be a touchy subject for many of you. However, my reason for writing this piece is not because I prefer cream over chocolate. It’s quite the contrary, actually. In fact, I‘ve been humping black girls since the age of two and I’m never turning back. The truth is that I have the utmost respect for black women (well, most of ya’ll anyway). That’s why I have made it my life’s work to expose your flaws by any means necessary. Just think of it as tough love.

For those of you who believe age and wisdom go hand in hand, you should probably stop reading like now. I’m 25, a far cry from them old n*iggas who play chess at the park. So if you desire council from someone with decades of experience, I suggest you locate Cicely Tyson (even her name sounds old, right? I know, disrespectful). But I digress.

Anyway, in my “limited” experience as a single man I have observed that there is absolutely no honor among desperate, single women.

Therefore, it behooves any woman looking for companionship to gain all possible advantages (and maybe some Vaseline in case a fight breaks out). Here’s a zinger, White women have gained a competitive edge by using the copycat method.

That’s right sisters, you’ve been swagger-jacked, hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amuck, swindled, and more importantly—ripped off. In the process, your men (Negroes) are being snapped up like singles in a strip club. Sadly, this trend has gone unnoticed by many of you. But don’t worry, I’m here to enlighten. So get your pens, paper and popcorn ready. Class has begun.

Again ladies, if you’re having a good day, stop reading.

Like moths to flame, white girls are crowding tanning saloons, paying thousands of dollars for ass and lip injections, and replicating the finger-waving, eye-rolling, neck jerking, and sass-mouthing they see on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” (I’m not saying all black women demonstrate this behavior. But a lot of ya’ll do, tell the truth and shame the devil).

In essence, sisters, almost everything that makes you unique has been stolen. But what else is new in the hood, right? There is a silver lining, however. Some people say imitation is the highest form of flattery. But what happens when your imitators surpass you? In this case, the result is growing number of mulatto babies. In America , the number of interracial couples has more than doubled over the past decade. This development is attributable to a new wave of diversity-oriented horndogs who don’t see color, especially when the lights are off.

One could amass ten-thousand surveys and it would still be impossible to count the number of people stricken with “jungle fever.” However, in my estimation (yup smart asses, I’m the expert here. I just graduated from the college of f*uck you and keep reading), there are more black men dating white women than the other way around. It’s an epidemic that’s spreading faster than ever before. I for one don’t like it. Remember, I’ve been humping black women for over twenty years. I’m proud to say that I’ve never strayed (smiley face).

No matter how you feel about “miscegenation,” it’s apparently here to stay. Sociologists even predict that by year 2050, minorities in this country will make up the majority.

Sisters, when this day comes, your competitors may already have black men eating from the palms of their thieving hands. Why? The answer is simple, really. White women have evaluated all of your strengths and weakness and are turning them against you.

Don’t look now, but it’s working.

Here is a list of newly adopted qualities found in modern white women (and no it doesn’t include intelligence, personality or any of that other ya ya sisterhood mess). Sorry.

Number 1: White women embrace black culture

In the 90’s, a white girl would cruise the streets in her Miata while blasting music from a boyband or rock cd. Nowadays, BET-loving Jessica bumps Jay-Z and Kanye, and when she gets home, she watches “Love and Hip-Hop” and “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” not “Friends” and “Blossom” like her predecessors.

“I haven’t given up on Black women, but they come with a lot of baggage,” says Jarren Watson, 26, a civil engineer who causally dates white women. “No woman is prefect, but I already have enough stress being a black man trying to make it out here in corporate America, which is virtually all white. So dealing with black women who have no respect for my daily grind is not a possibility.”

He continued, “White women can be difficult too, but they know when to quit. Black women have a chip on their shoulder all the time. So to me, if I meet a white girl who likes what I like, the choice gets real simple real quick.”

The modern white woman wears Apple Bottom jeans and oversized hoop earrings, supports Trayvon Martin, speaks mild Ebonics, shakes her money maker at the club and even attends historically black colleges. You might even catch her in line at Louisiana Chicken on Manchester and Normandie in Inglewood. To put it plainly, she’s a twenty, thirty, or forty-something year-old Tina Marie. Black men flock to her because she offers the “perfect” combination of exuberance and passivity. It’s the type of balance that sisters can’t provide (so they say).

Number Two: White women are finally learning how to cook

“The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Some of you may be familiar with this expression. In my humble opinion, another way a woman can win a man over is by turning tricks in bed (or maybe that’s just me). Not long ago, one of my former clients invited me to partake of a homecooked meal at her place. After careful deliberation, I reluctantly accepted my client’s invitation. During dinner, I came to a shocking conclusion. “This white girl can throw down,” I told myself. And then it hit me, “she probably aint the only one.”

“I’ve been with all types of women, most of them couldn’t even fry eggs,” joked Michael Armstrong, 42, a prep cook for a Japanese Restaurant in West Hollywood . “I won’t say that white women cook better than black women. But they seem to be more willing to cook without expecting something in return. Black women keep tabs on everything. Don’t even get me started about sex.”

Slowly but surely, white girls are learning how to burn. They aren’t serving meat loaf and bean casseroles either. No sir, Rachel Ray’s got em’ cooking grandmamma’s hot buttered biscuits and deep fried chicken—from scratch. Yum, (smiley face). Of course, southern gals have always known their way around the kitchen. But on the west coast, microwaves and take-out menus typically dominate the dinner table. In Los Angeles , it’s hard for single men to find women who can pour water, let alone prepare an enjoyable meal. But times are a changin’, and white women seem to be leading the charge. Just sayin,’ a black man can’t resist some good ol’ fashioned home-cooking. Ya’ll better recognize.

Number Three: White women are no longer afraid of the “Ghetto.”

Blondes in search of hardened Negroes know exactly where to look, “The Ghetto” aka “Ni*ggaland.” Ultimately, white women who date black men are looking for a good time, not marriage (that’s what Rick, the pasty-faced stock broker, is for). Most people typically marry their own kind—it’s an anthropological fact. For many white girls, being involved with a refined black man is unnecessary. Instead, thrill-seeking Amber chooses to date Andre from cell-block H, who will provide her with ample Mandingo pleasures and the occasional government cheese sandwich (just joking about that last one).

“I gotta white girl and she more gangsta than me,” barked Andre Patterson, 28, who is…well…he’s pretty much just a Negro (that damn economy won’t let up). “She drives to my crib anytime I call her, it don’t matter if it’s 3 o clock at night. I live in Gardena , n*gga’s be on one over there. But whenever I call, she shows up. It’s been 4 years and I’m still messing with her.”

When a confused white girl is accepted by residents of the ghetto, she experiences a false sense of blackness, otherwise defined as “once you go black, you never go back—until the rent’s due.” Sisters, watch out for these vultures if convicts strike your fancy.

Number Four: White women are putting it down like sisters in the bedroom

Aww…damn. The cat’s out of the bag now. I don’t have personal knowledge of this, but they say white girls have always been adventurous in bed (oh, who am I kidding, they’re whores). However, in the not to distant past, earnest Amy lacked rhythm, a big no no in the black community. But those days are over. Sisters, blame pornography for teaching Amy how to swivel her hips, roll her pelvis, and pop that pus…well, you know the rest. White girls are popping ass and taking names in bed like no tomorrow. Combine the ass wiggling with state-of-the-art booty injections and you’ve got some grade A humping.

“I think black women move the best in bed, but they aren’t willing to experiment they way I want to,” explained Reggie Williams, 37, who teaches 7th grade math. “The white women I’ve been with do pretty much anything I ask them to. I’m not asking for chains and whips or anything. But I like a little spice in that area. Don’t get me wrong, black women handle business. It’s just the small things they don’t offer that white women do.”

Number Five:

You know what? Something is telling me to quit while I’m ahead.

Ultimately sisters, I think you still belong at the top of the food chain. However, the competition is getting mighty stiff. Beware.

Based in Southern California, EURweb editorial associate Cory A. Haywood is also a certified personal fitness trainer. Contact him via: coryhaywood@ymail.com and/or visit his websites: www.coryhaywood.webs.com and corythewriter.blogspot.com

cory a haywood

Cory A. Haywood