(ahem) Dear Mr. Claus,
How’s it hanging, bro? I hear global warming’s a bitch…Al Gore rambles on and on about how climate change in the Arctic will eventually lead to the extinction of Polar Bears and other cold-weather species (so much for those Coca-Cola commercials nigga). Where do you plan on moving when all the ice melts? That workshop of yours won’t hold up under a tidal wave. I hope your elves can swim…those little niggas should build an arc just in case. Santa, whatever you do, stay away from the West Coast…your big ass will die of hyperventilation if you come this way…the sun aint no joke over here nigga…it will sizzle all that face fat you got hidden under your scruffy ass beard. Don’t take it personal, I’m just keeping it real.
Anyway Santa, I know you’re a real nigga so here me out. There’s a disease sweeping the nation that I call “Negro, you aint got no damn sense Syndrome.” Santa, this condition is spreading faster than a hooker’s legs and causes sufferers to regularly demonstrate nigga-like behavior (particularly in public places). It’s quite like Tourette’s Syndrome but with subtle differences. For example, both disorders are inherent by nature and can be extremely socially limiting, embarrassing and all consuming. However, the symptoms of Tourette’s can be controlled with proper dieting and regular behavioral therapy. On the flip side, there’s no amount of counseling or intervention capable of suppressing fully-ingrained Negro-tendencies. In other words: once a nigga, always a nigga…people who fit this category just can’t help acting a damn fool.
That brings me to my Christmas wish. Santa, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, can you get rid of every ignorant nigga in America? That’s right…send em’ all to hell. Do you have any ties with Lucifer? Can you guys work something out? I’ve had enough of these jiggaboos. My stomach turns every time I spot one on the street. I’m sick to death of ghetto, loud-mouthed hoodrats, wannabe thugs, rowdy teenagers and other lazy, musty crusty niggas who convene in front of liquor stores and barber shops every got damn day. Take ya’ll asses to the unemployment line or jump from a cliff. Santa, I’m going to explode if I see one more Negro walking in public with his pants sagging to the floor. My 76-year-old grandfather (born and raised in Tyler, Texas) says that back in his day only homosexuals roamed the streets wearing sagging pants. He also mentioned “goosing,” a game in which participants shove sharp objects up the ass holes of boys wearing low-hanging trousers. Grandpa and his buddies in High School would play this game after football practice, he says. Santa, is any of this true? Anyway, I’ve gone way off track. But don’t trip, I’m kicking real sh*t to you right now.
Many of these plus-size women need to get some reps in at the gym before they even think about form-fitting clothing (Spandex? Let’s get real, sisters). Santa, that’s not fashion, that’s pork sausage busting through delicate fabric. Those poor little kids and old women in China spend hours in sweat shops weaving cotton and polyester for American retailers (your elves do too). These chunky, fried-chicken eating heffas should show more respect and wear clothes that fit instead of squeezing their girth into regular-people sizes, ruining the product. That’s inhumane. Santa, what do you think?
Santa, my ears can’t take another middle-aged Negro revving up his motorcycle for attention and blasting oldies like a damn fool in the middle of traffic (you West Coast people know exactly what I’m talking about). And I’m not against EBT and SNAP…but there should be law against Negroes using government money to pay for alcohol, Jack-in-The Box, Timberland boots and earrings at the beauty shop. Santa, dispose of these ignorant niggas please. Santa, can you plow into Waka Flaka Flame with your slay this Christmas? He’s a nigga the whole world can do without. While you’re at it, get rid of Bobby Brown, Flavor Flav, OJ Simpson, Suge Knight and every mainstream rapper under age 30 (minus a few).
Santa, lay waste to all of these Negroes!
Santa, pole-dancers with C-section scars shouldn’t even be allowed on stage (get rid of them too)…and I will never understand why certain grown ass men think it’s appropriate to wear high-heels (sit ya’ll asses down or die). I have no patience for nappy-head children who lack common-sense and home training… I’m tired of crackheads asking to wash my car at the gas station (leave me alone!). Santa, unload a full clip on Tavis Smiley and Cornel West (those Negroes definitely gotta go)…and for the love of God, please, please vanquish the Preachers of LA.
Sir, if I didn’t know any better, I’d accuse these niggas of being in cahoots with the government to make Black America look foolish. These bastards must be contained—they’re multiplying like roaches all over the country. Take your boot and stomp on em.’ Hopefully, nigga-juice won’t splatter everywhere and infect the rest of the population. Something has to be done. Just sayin.
P.S., if it’s not too much trouble, can you assassinate the Basketball Wives and dem’ other reality hoes in Atlanta? Those gold-digging heffas need some act right. I know you’re jolly and whatnot but grow some balls Santa. I’m sure Mrs. Claus wouldn’t mind. She doesn’t strike me as the type to condone ratchet behavior. If not me, do it for her. Maybe you can leave some dynamite in their Christmas stocking. Do you have access to Anthrax? That might do the trick. Or how about you plant acid in their perfume on Christmas Eve? These are just a few ideas I’ve been kicking around.
Thanks Big Guy,
-Cory A. Haywood
Based in Southern California, Cory A. Haywood is also a certified personal fitness trainer. Contact him via:[email protected] and/or visit his websites: www.coryhaywood.webs.com andcorythewriter.blogspot.com