*Faster (when running into the arms of white men) than a speeding bullet. More powerful (and 10 times louder) than a locomotive. Able to leap (from one doomed relationship to the next) in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s The Black Superwoman. (Whoosh) There she goes, flying solo (like always). Will she ever find a partner willing to stick around? It appears the answer is no.
Sisters, why be strong and alone? It won’t get you any closer to the altar…
When it comes to love and marriage, many of you (30 and 40-somethings especially) have fallen and don’t know how to get back up. That’s okay—Humpty Dumpty struggled with the same problem (only he was smart enough to request aid from the king’s horses and the king’s men). Contrarily, the average black woman resists criticism and denies culpability in broken romantic partnerships. It’s no wonder so many of you can’t find a man willing to say put.
According to various statistics, polls and studies, black women are the least attractive demographic for single men of any race (that includes online dating). And though innumerable reports have surfaced regarding this issue, the pertinent questions remain unanswered (and solutions lay buried underneath the sand).
Of course, on paper, black women seem to have it all—beauty, intelligence, confidence, creativity, resourcefulness, swagger, sex-appeal, spirituality and lots more. However, in many cases, the good fails to outweigh the bad when dating African American women (particularly those with a controlling disposition). Many single black men opt for interracial companionship to avoid power-struggle and emasculation (on the part of black women). Others express genuine disdain for the volatility and juvenility of past lovers.
Sisters, it’s beyond childish—illogical even—that you would sacrifice love and happiness for the sake of your ego. Perhaps you’d be better served by putting aside your selfish need for control and allowing black men to assume their rightful positions of authority in romantic partnerships. Haven’t you spent enough time scratching and clawing for a higher position on the totem pole? (It can’t be easy wasting away at the bottom after all these years) How’s the view from down there?
Contrary to popular opinion, black men generally admire strong, autonomous black women (ignore anyone or anything telling you otherwise). In her About.com article, “Four Myths about Black Marriage,” Nadra Kareem Nittle highlights the preference that successful black men share for black women.
She writes: “By analyzing census data [Ivory A.] Toldson and [Bryant] Marks found that 83 percent of married black men who earned at least $100,000 annually got hitched to black women. The same is the case for educated black men of all incomes. Eighty-five percent of black male college graduates married black women. Generally, 88 percent of married black men (no matter their income or educational background) have black wives. This means that interracial marriage should not be held responsible for the singleness of black women.”
Sisters, the notion you intimidate black men defies even historical evidence. The majority of America’s most influential black males—past and present—share ties with equally impressive black females (ie. Martin Luther King, President Obama, Jay Z, etc.)
Here’s where it gets tricky—black women, today, generally misinterpret the true meaning of “strength.” Sisters, you look in the mirror and ignore obvious signs of internal conflict and mental dysfunction. Instead, you mask being flawed by claiming to possess varying levels of strength (my colleagues call this delusions of grandeur). In actuality, many of you regularly demonstrate weakness emotionally and socially. Women belonging to this category likely experience poor romantic encounters and exhibit attention-seeking behavior.
In many cases, the equation is far less complicated—a good number of you suffer from evil bitch syndrome (also known as ratchet whore disease). This illness has claimed millions of victims nationwide and is found most commonly in black women.
Dictionary.com provides these definitions for the word “strong:”
1. Involving or possessing physical or mental strength
2. Solid or robust in construction; not easily broken or injured
3. Having a resolute will or morally firm and incorruptible character
4. Intense in quality; not faint or feeble: a strong voice; a strong smell
5. Easily defensible; incontestable or formidable
6. Concentrated; not weak or diluted
Sisters, these descriptions do not include your normal behavior (finger-wagging, neck-rolling, sass-mouthing, name-calling, gold-digging, fist-throwing, emasculating your partner, etc.) Again, behaving wildly characterizes evil bitch syndrome—not strength.
It seems many of you don’t know the difference. That’s understandable—history explains why modern black women experience difficulty when trying to play roles of submission (particularly in marriage). During early Western slavery, black women were often separated from their families and forced into servitude and involuntary whoring. Today, single black mothers play dual roles in raising their children. And while fluctuations in employment continue to hamper black men, a growing number of black women have taken on the role of “breadwinner” in their families. These circumstances—along with other variables—have caused black women to lose touch with their natural feminine energy (preventing domestication and making way for dominant behavior.)
As black divorce hovers above 70 percent, the need for answers to this issue has become exceedingly dire. Too often, black women play the victim role and shift blame toward their ex-lovers. However, after speaking in depth with a variety of divorced and single black men, it’s become clear to me that black relationships suffer, in large part, from communication failure and gender role confusion. As with any marriage or commitment between two individual people, boundaries and limits must be set in order to avoid disorganized co-habitation.
Sisters, tapping into your true strength will open doors for success in many areas. However, in the game of love and romance, women unable to concede power to their spouse generally end up single and lonely (or with a man devoid of adult-sized testicles.)
In a study, University of North Texas sociologist Dr. Erma Lawson and her co-author, Aaron Thompson, a sociologist at EasternKentuckyUniversity, talked to divorced black men in three states. The men ranged in age from 25 to 55. The length of their marriages ranged from four to 20 years before divorce, and the men had been divorced for one to 10 years. All of the men were fathers, and none had married again since their divorces
“According to the men, the women wanted to fit into a white consumer culture. They complained that their ex-wives spent too much money on materialistic goods for their children, like designer clothes, video games, CDs and toys.” She points out that for many African-Americans, buying expensive things “conveys social acceptance by symbolizing participation in a white consumer-oriented culture.” “The men believed their former spouses’ autocratic spending decisions challenged their authority as heads of their households,” she says.
Some of the respondents said their wives’ refusal to take their economic advice affected their self-esteem and undermined the stability of their marriages, she says. “They reasoned that if not at home, where is a black man regarded as a person who is worth listening to?”
With the economy slow to improve, it’s in everyone’s best interest to find a partner willing (and able) to share the load in marriage; that particularly applies to black folk (as we account for the lowest median home income nationwide).
Sisters, do you want to continue spending evenings in a cold, empty bed? Are you content with being strong and alone?
Based in Southern California, Cory A. Haywood is also a certified personal fitness trainer. Contact him via:[email protected] and/or visit his websites: www.coryhaywood.webs.com andcorythewriter.blogspot.com