Do you really wanna be this guy?

Do you really wanna be this guy?

*She cooks, she cleans, and she’s a Black woman who actually enjoys giving brain. Hallelujah! From the looks of it, you’ve found a winner.

Then again, it’s never smart to judge a book by its cover (even if she has the ability to make an entire Sprite can disappear in her mouth).

On the surface she may seem like girlfriend or even wifey material; but don’t go jumping the gun just yet. If she’s one of those self-righteous types, you’d better think twice before emptying your savings account for a wedding ring (she’ll pawn it after the divorce is finalized anyway). Having all the virtue in the world doesn’t mean she’s healthy for you.

Remember, Satan used to be one of the good guys (that went south real quick—literally).

To all my brethren out there looking for a good wholesome woman, answer this question: “do you really want to marry a church girl?” It’ll cost a piece of your soul (and a larger piece of your wallet). When she’s angry, she’ll threaten to burn you with hot chicken grease. When she catches the Holy Ghost in church, she’ll flail around like she’s in a mosh pit. On Saturday, she’ll call you a trifling Negro. On Sunday, she’ll call you a heathen and beat you over the head with her Bible. It’s the type of behavior that belongs in a Tyler Perry movie; or better yet, the psyche ward.

God help any man brave enough to marry the daughter of a preacher. The last time you agreed to have dinner with her family, all hell broke loose. You forgot to pray over your food and her mother nearly flew over the dinner table to stop you from biting into that chicken wing (she’s had reservations about you ever since). And let’s not forget about your father-in–law: before giving his life to Christ, he was a hustler and a pimp. At your wedding, he threated to bust a cap in your ass if you didn’t do right by his daughter. The next day, he preached a sermon about peace and forgiveness; he even summoned you during the alter call. All that criticism and passive aggressive behavior would make any black man go completely nuts.

In theory, the divorce rate among Christians should be lower than any other group. After all, the Bible provides specific instructions on how to make marriage last. Here’s where it all goes wrong: quite often, Christian couples fall into traps set by their own relatives and church family. In other words, the people at your wedding are often the ones who help seal the deal on your divorce. For example, gossip floats through church like the Holy Ghost itself. All people talk, but church people whisper and collect dirt on one another; that’s why it’s hard to keep them out of your business.


Guys, if you marry into a Christian family, you’d better be prepared for constant probing into your marriage. It happened to my father—he’s now remarried. Catch my drift? If you’re a black man searching for companionship, always take the path of least resistance (here’s a hint, it’s paved with white women). I’m kidding. However, be mindful of the type of black woman you choose. If she’s sassy, you might wanna keep your medicine cabinet stocked with Advil or some other mind-numbing drug (I hear cocaine helps also).However, if she respects her pastor more than she respects you, the relationship is doomed to fail.

In Titus 2:5, Christian women are instructed to “be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, and obedient to their husbands.” Ephesians 5:22 says: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the lord.” Despite admonishment from the Bible, it appears that modern women aren’t buying into these concepts. It’s a new day and age—the gender gap is steadily closing and women are taking full advantage of new economic opportunity. With that in mind, the way in which Christian women approach marriage has completely changed. It would be a cold day in hell before an established black woman fully submits to her husband, especially if he’s bringing in less money.

The role of the husband in the Bible starts with leadership. Scripture makes it very clear that a husband must be a leader of his home, a provider for his family, and have healthy control of his life. There’s nothing wrong with these ideals. However, women who aren’t led by God, and aren’t properly trained by their pastor, often interpret scripture from a secular point of view. In the eyes of many Christian black women, a man isn’t worth being respected, or obeyed, unless he provides the finer things life has to offer; the necessities come second. Many young black women simply aren’t mature in their walk with Christ. They tend to value material objects, instead of finding the value in their own lives and relationships.

Oftentimes, Christian people merge their secular desires with their religious beliefs. For instance, in the Old Testament, God turns water into wine. An unseasoned Christian might take that to mean that alcoholism is okay in the eyes of the creator. That’s obviously incorrect. If scripture isn’t digested properly, it can be used for selfish and ungodly reasons. That’s a recipe for marital discomfort, particularly if the man cannot provide according to his wife’s satisfaction. Black men, particularly, endure daily challenges imposed by outside forces of oppression. A stressful household, and empty pockets, only make matters worse.

The Black Hat column is written by Southern California based Cory A. Haywood who is also a certified personal fitness trainer. Contact him via: [email protected] and/or visit his websites: or

cory a haywood

Cory A. Haywood