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kim kardashian-selfe

*“That b*tch aint nothing but a ho with a fake ass,” is what I heard a woman grumble to her friends recently at Ralph’s grocery store.

Dressed in a pair of jean shorts that barely covered her vajayjay, the hypocritical shopper had been lamenting Kim Kardashian’s and her family’s appearance on the most recent cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

As she scooped her toddler from the floor into her arms, I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring (or underwear for that matter). There were three more children scattered around her shopping cart full of generic-brand items that she paid for with an EBT card. I also noticed the “come-hither” glance she gave a male shopper who passed her left side as he quickly lifted his eyes from the girth of her massive, practically naked, booty.

This woman, like so many others who choose to criticize Kardashian instead of using their own feminine wiles to gain financial independence, is a bottom-feeding vulture. But she’s not alone: millions of would-be Kardashians hurl insults in her direction to subdue the pain of their pitiful lives. What’s even more bewildering is that while Kim’s naysayers continuously poke fun at her past misdeeds, they conveniently forget about the mind blowing results of these perceived blunders. Like it or not, she—with a little help from her enterprising “mom-ager”— parlayed a sex tape into a multi-million dollar empire. Ladies, what the f*ck have you done lately?

I’m not accusing Kim Kardashian of being a Rhode scholar or business wizard. By all accounts, she’s nothing more than a gold-digging groupie-turned amateur porn star-turned reality television star. If you ask me, though, that’s one hell of a transformation. Yes, no one knew her name until a sex tape was released to the public of her and Ray J doing the nasty in his hotel room.

Yes, she has been involved with a multitude of rappers, athletes and entertainers over the years. Yes, her entire portfolio thus far consists of cheesy Carl’s Jr. Ads, thousands of selfies, overpriced fragrance and clothing lines, a disturbingly long run on the E! Channel, and a televised marriage to one of Hip Hop’s most narcissistic icons. And yes, Kim Kardashian appears to be as talent-less and purposeless as they come in Hollywood, which these days, puts her in the majority. But none of that matters in the grand scheme of things.

Despite her many, many shortcomings, the mother of Kanye West’s adorable young daughter, and his unborn child, has a skill that millions of women across the globe are apparently lacking: making money—and lots of it. That’s right b*tches, most of you suck d*ck for free. At least the sex tape with Ray J paid dividends. Instead of complaining about it, step your game up. Simply put, if you could be her, you would be her.

Kardashian’s list of lucrative hobbies—for which she is both envied and loathed—aren’t out of the ordinary for most women. In fact, she gets paid handsomely to do what the average b*tch does for recreation. With this in mind, does Kim K. really deserve ridicule for being wise enough, and able, to capitalize on America’s insatiable love of pop culture? Or should she be applauded for making lemons—her talent level—into gourmet lemonade? Looking from this perspective, ladies, who is more foolish: her or you? Don’t think too hard, the question is rhetorical. Here’s a list of 8 Things Regular Women Do On A Daily Basis That Kim Kardashian Gets Paid Millions For Doing.

1. Taking Selfies

Millions of self-absorbed women take dozens of selfies each day. They take them from every angle to get the perfect shot. You’d think that some of these b*tches are being paid to snap so many pictures. But alas, the most recognition these photo-crazy heffas receive are comments from horny duchebags trolling social media for a date. On the other hand, Kim Kardashian could post a photo of herself taking a poop and it would go viral, and make her millions. That’s what she’s paid to do: promote herself. According to Forbes, every picture she takes is worth upward of $10,000. That’s right, whenever Kim get’s the urge to immortalize herself with a selfie, her bank account get bigger. When other girls complain about how much attention her photos attract, it’s because in secret, they want sponsors too

2. Sex Tape

If I had a dollar for every girl who has recorded themselves having sex with a boyfriend or side-piece, I’d be rich (like Kim Kardashian). This is a common practice: the average woman in this day and age has recorded herself doing the nasty, or snapped nude photos of herself and sent them into cyberspace for her significant other to see. What makes Kim Kardashian a genius is that she actually capitalized on her sex tape, something most women can’t do (just ask Mimi Faust). Let’s be honest: Kim Kardashian is one of the most attractive women on the planet: her sex tape sold millions because she’s freaking hot! The average woman doesn’t come within miles of Kim’s hotness, and couldn’t sell a sex tape if she begged someone to buy it. There are tons of girls out there getting freaky with their main squeeze, recording the experience on video, and getting nothing in return but a cheap set of earrings from Zales. Kim Kardashian, on the other hand, has humped her way to millions. Ladies, don’t be hypocrites: stop hating on Queen K.

3. Digging For Gold

kim k gold photo

I’m going to keep this short: Kim Kardashian is married to one of the wealthiest, and most influential, rappers in Hip Hop. Before Kanye, she tore through an extensive list of Hollywood bachelors, climbing her way from the bottom of the barrel (Ray J) to the top of the A list (West). Like plenty of women, Kardashian spent her twenties testing the waters and sewing her oats. That doesn’t make her a whore, because if it did, 90 percent of the world’s female population would fall in the same category. And as far as her reputation for being a gold digger is concerned, what makes her different than any other woman searching for a man who can provide financial security? In other words, if Kim’s a gold-digger, so is every other woman on earth. The only difference is that the average b*tch doesn’t have access to the creme-de-la-creme. Most women have to sift through the garbage to find a decent man, and still, he most likely won’t be a millionaire like Kanye West. Don’t blame Kim Kardarshian for exploring her options like every other woman in the world. Fortunately for her, she’s prettier than most, which allows her to have better options. Ladies, if you’re going to blame someone, you should probably look up to the sky.

4. Bed Hopping (Multiple sex partners)

Once again, Kim Kardashian is not a whore. She, like her mother, is an opportunist. Like most women, Kim probably enjoys doing the “do.” Unlike most b*tches, she doesn’t f*ck n*ggas who don’t have anything to offer. The average woman isn’t a virgin; there are plenty of girls out there who’ve knocked boots on numerous occasions, with plenty of men. These are the same women who criticize Kim’s dating history, of which they can really only speculate. The only reason Kim seems promiscuous is because most of her relationships have gone public, fueling speculation and stirring the imaginations of her fans and critics alike. In reality, she’s horny like everyone else. Ladies, if you want your own slice of the good life, stop f*cking the delivery guy and step up to Kim’s level.

5. Cosmetic Enhancement

kim-kardashian plastic photo

The Kardashian Family probably makes more trips to the plastic surgeons office than to the grocery store. Kim has certainly changed over the years, transforming from a mildly attractive groupie into a stunning business mogul. It’s like Nicki Minaj says in one of her songs, who cares if Kim’s butt is fake? That hasn’t stopped her from gracing the cover of every major magazine known to mankind. Also, her looks are responsible for the millions sitting in her bloated bank account. Besides, there isn’t a woman on the planet who doesn’t benefit from cosmetic enhancement. Fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake face, fake booty–it’s all the same. If Kim is guilty of promoting a false image, so is every other woman with access to makeup and hair extensions. At least Kim gets paid for dolling herself up. Ladies, what do you get?

6. Wearing Pretty Dresses

Kim Kardashian gets paid to wear dresses that most women can only dream of buying. For her wedding, Vera Wang designed a custom-made gown for the realty star. That’s right, a world-renowned fashion designer went out of her way to sponge off of Kim’s mind-blowing celebrity status. Ladies, many of you forgo trips to the grocery store to purchase items of clothing that your budget can’t hold. You do this on your own accord, not because anyone puts a gun to your head. Looking pretty is an expensive chore for most women, but for the Kardashian family, it’s money in the bank. Let’s be honest: most of Kim’s critics wish they could look like her. Unfortunately, they can’t afford to.

7. Appearing At Night Clubs

Most women have to pay, and wait in line, to get into exclusive Hollywood clubs. Prettier women normally gain free access and immediate entry, but they still have to wait on some “baller” or idiot pretending to have cash, to buy them a drink. The club scene is full of desperate girls on the prowl for a male suitor. Kim Kardashian, conversely, gets paid thousands to make appearances at the same nightspots other women have to pay for. It’s not rocket science: everybody parties, but only a few get paid for it. Kim is part of that illustrious group. Ladies, don’t hate, she’s simply in a league of her own (much higher than your’s). Nuff said.

8. Tweeting

The world is consumed by social media. Millions of people devote ample time and energy to their Twitter and Facebook accounts. Kim Kardashian is no different than the rest of us technology-prone zombies. She’s a regular on Twitter and Instagram. However, the average girl doesn’t get paid to update her Twitter status. Kim Kardashian, on the other hand, earns money anytime she mentions Twitter. Huge difference. Ladies, you can’t throw stones at Kim for outdoing you on social media. It’s an activity we all enjoy (she’s just better at it). 

cory haywood

The Black Hat is written by  Southern California based  Cory A. Haywood, a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: [email protected] and/or visit his blogs: www.coryhaywood.webs.com and corythewriter.blogspot.com, or send him a message on Twitter: @coryahaywood