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*Shhh..be quiet…can you hear that? It sounds like the rumbling of a crowd moving quickly in the same direction. Oh wait…there they are…over the horizon…it’s a bunch of black men heading south of the border. Look at ’em go. I have an important message for black women everywhere: the clock is ticking, you better shape up or Esmeralda is going to steal your boyfriend away. That’s right. Say it with me: Viva la Mexico! To hell with Gabrielle Union, I’m looking for Gabriella. Forget Nicki Minaj, I want Nicki Martinez.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I DO NOT hate black women. Nothing would make me happier than to find a sister who’s got her shit together and comes with limited baggage. However, in this day and age, it’s not easy finding a single black woman who isn’t emotionally damaged, egotistical or downright ghetto. The ones who exhibit desirable behavior are normally in relationships. So let me make this perfectly clear: I PREFER BLACK WOMEN. That’s right, I’m not an Uncle Tom…I’m a nigga who refuses to put up with the coonery displayed every week on “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” And fellas, I encourage you all to do the same: if you can’t find a good black woman (and they do exist), then consider extending your search to Mexico. Arriba, Arriba! Andale, Andale!
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are roughly 54 million Hispanics living in the United States, representing approximately 17% of the U.S. total population, making people of Hispanic origin the nation’s largest ethnic or race minority. The U.S. Hispanic population for 2060 is estimated to reach 128.8 million, constituting approximately 31% of the U.S. population by that date.
Hey fellas, let me break it down for you: there are millions of available Latin women in the U.S. Most of them won’t explore relationships outside of their race. That still leaves thousands of options for black men to choose from. So what am I saying? It’s simple, guys, quit fooling around with black women and go forth into the land of finely crafted enchiladas and mind-blowing sex. That’s right, fellas, it’s time for an upgrade.
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From the cream of the crop to the very bottom of the barrel, black women generally have one thing in common: a bad attitude. Don’t get me wrong, black women are some of the most attractive beings on the planet, and there’s not a man around who appreciates a phat booty more than I do. Nevertheless, the typical black woman, no matter how good she looks, isn’t worth the headache she will inevitably bring. This doesn’t apply to all black women—just 99.999 percent of the ones I’ve encountered.
Now ladies, before you start hurling insults in my direction, I want you to know that I have absolutely no desire to be with a pushover. I’m not one of those guys who needs to be in control of my partner. In fact, I enjoy it when a woman gives me attitude every now and then. When it happens, I get to experience the exhilarating thrill of telling her to “shut the fuck up.” Unfortunately, many, not all, but many, black women simply cannot turn off the infamous “bitch switch.” It’s as if they’re allergic to being polite.
I’ve spent years sifting through the garbage to find a black woman who’s worth my time and loyalty. Hopefully, I’ll find what I’m looking for one day. But until that day arrives, I’ve decided to experiment with the alternative: Hispanic women. That’s right, I’m done with barbecue, it’s time for a little salsa. Forget the electric slide, I’m ready to do the “macarena.” Hey fellas, if you hadn’t noticed, Latin women offer the best of both worlds: a black girl’s booty and a white girl’s hair. So do yourselves a favor–head on down to Mexico. Here’s why:
Did I forget to mention they come with less baggage than black women? Hey fellas, do you wanna know what it feels like to run your fingers through a woman’s hair without them getting caught in her weave? If so, leave sisters alone. Viva la Mexico!
One day soon, America will be dominated by two languages: English and Spanish. Fellas, unless you happen to get involved with a black woman who can speak espanol, you might wanna consider procreating with an Hispanic woman. She’ll teach your children the language, giving them an immediate advantage in society. They’ll also be introduced to a culture that hasn’t been eviscerated by white racists. Because the history of Africa remains unfamiliar to the eyes of many black women, they won’t be able to instill cultural pride in their offspring. This is why so many black youth have become immersed in pop culture as an alternative to that of their ancestors. Fellas, if you want your child(ren) to be proud of who they are, then avoid going half on a baby with black women.
Conversely, black women are natural-born homewreckers and exceptional at cooking up drama. Fellas, when you’re in the mood to watch black hooliganism, visit worldstarhiphop.com. But keep the foolishness away from your relationships. Don’t waste time dealing with black women. Trade up and get a Latin girl instead.
Fellas, stop allowing black women to emasculate you. If you want to be the king of your castle, find a Latin queen who will follow your lead. Don’t be fooled, Hispanic women aren’t pushovers; they are capable of wreaking havoc on a man’s patience However, their culture makes them more inclined to be submissive marriage partners (unlike sisters).
Anyway, I agree with Tommy Sotomayor’s premise that black women are some of the worst mothers on the planet. Fellas, avoid the baby mama drama that often occurs after a black woman gives birth to your child. Instead, gentlemen, take your beef and stick it in a Latin girl’s taco. You’ll end up with enough children to start a football team; but at least they’ll be well taken care of.
It’s no accident how much Hispanic couples reproduce. Part of it is because they’re planning a national takeover. But there’s another reason: Latin women enjoy doing the do…a lot. Not only do they crave intimacy on a regular basis, Latin women consciously go beyond the “norm” to satisfy their partners in bed. Fellas, I’ll put it to you like this: a black woman who knows her way around the bedroom will definitely make you cum, but a Latin mama will make you cum…for more and more. Say it with me: Viva La mexico!
I know this sounds misogynistic, but any man with adult-sized testicles would admit if prompted to wanting a woman who can cook, clean and do everything in between. Culturally, Hispanic women are taught from childhood how to be good wives and mothers. They do all the little things at home to make their spouses happy. Fellas, aren’t you tired of hearing “N*gga, get it yourself!” Or my favorite, “Don’t you have hands?” Avoid this foolishness and head on down to Mexico.
When Chris Brown said “these hoes aint loyal,” he was mainly referring to black women. Don’t get me wrong, race and infidelity aren’t synonymous concepts. However, in Latin culture, cheating is on par with murder. In black culture, cheating is what happens when a bitch wants to get revenge after she checks your DM’s on Twitter. Fellas, the choice is your’s.
They exemplify what it means to be a hustler, creating jobs for themselves when employment opportunities aren’t available. And despite the disproportionate number of Latin women working in the service industry, there are many with careers in fields that require an advanced education. Fellas, educated black women have a tendency to look down on others who they feel aren’t on their “level.” They lack humility and patience, particularly when they’re in relationships with black men. Conversely, it has been my experience that Latin women offer unconditional love and support to their partners.
10. Hispanic women are familiar with the hardships of being a minority in America.
My only reason for cautioning black men against dating white women is because of the innate cultural and social differences. However, Hispanics and blacks often inhabit the same neighborhoods, and are thereby exposed to the same quality of life. Therefore, Hispanic women can on a basic level, identify with the inherent challenges of black manhood in modern America. This is why I encourage black men to pursue Latin women, as opposed to white.
The Black Hat is written by Southern California based Cory A. Haywood, a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: firstname.lastname@example.org and/or visit his blogs: www.coryhaywood.webs.com and corythewriter.blogspot.com, or send him a message on Twitter: @coryahaywood