*Because I’m nothing if not a giver, I came up with a general statement for anyone who’s been caught using performance enhancing drugs at the Olympics this summer. I’m writing from the perspective of a guy but feel free to change a few words ladies.
“I’m an elite athlete but you realize the difference between a gold medal and being spit on is razor thin, right? Last month my entire country loved me. But if I don’t do well here I may not be able to re-enter the country without flaming dogshit being thrown at me. So any advantage I can get I’m going to take. The chances that I get caught are small enough that it’s worth the risk. I have to set myself up for the rest of my life cause I barely finished high school. Would you hire me to be an executive at your company? I didn’t think so. So leave me alone.
“And while we’re at it, thank God recreational drugs weren’t on the list of banned substances. I can’t count how many lines I’ve snorted since getting to Brazil. Have you seen the women here? It’s been a party every night and I’ve been front and center for all of them. About a dozen of us have set world records in Viagra consumption. Unfortunately that stuff only works on one muscle.
“I don’t know why this is an issue. NFL players are allowed to have something like 5X the normal amount of testosterone in their bodies. I train just as hard so why is everyone on my back? Do you want to see the best that humans can do or not? Nobody was with me at 4:30AM when I needed that extra boost. Maybe if there was a way to be more collective-minded about this whole endeavor I would’ve stayed clean. But you didn’t give two fucks about me or my sport until yesterday, did you?!
“You know the more I think about it, you all should be kissing my ass at the fact I’ve only gotten busted for the one substance. Have you seen anything like the clusterfuck that Rio is. Between catching a disease from the beach, and drinking the contaminated water I probably needed my drugs just to stay alive. Who knows what I’ve got going on in my body right now, and I’m not referring to last weekend’s escapade with Gabriela and Paolo. Don’t judge me by the way, when you see him on the cover of Vogue this November you’ll understand. Anyway this country is trying to kill me at least four times each day before lunch, and I’m the bad guy for trying to persevere?
“And how am I the only one that got busted, huh? I wasn’t shooting up alone, I wasn’t popping pills alone. Where’s the North Korean track and field team? You don’t want to know what happens to them if they lose. Where’s the Somalian power lifter? If he’s any kind of smart he’d be juicing up big time.
“Screw you guys. I’m going where they appreciate the sacrifices people are willing to make to entertain the masses. I’m going to Las Vegas.”
Trevor Brookins is a free lance writer in Rockland County, New York. He is currently working on a book about American culture during the Cold War. His writing has appeared in The Journal News. You can reach him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @historictrev.
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