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baps photo

“Baps” (1997) was supposed to be a comedy that poked fun at the eccentricities of “urban” African American women. Apparently it was a mirror into the future.

*I love black women. Really, I do. But I can’t stand most of ya’ll (roughly 65.2 percent of you need to be shipped to a distant land and prohibited by law from ever reentering the country, or any civilized nation, for as long as you live). That’s right, never mind immigration, it’s time for President Donald Trump to ban five specific types of black women from ever stepping foot on American soil again.

Yup, this shit is about to get real. Let me roll up my sleeves.

Sisters, what the fuck has gotten into ya’ll? Do you look at yourselves in the mirror before you leave the house? Does that little voice in your deranged head (scientists refer to it as your “conscience”) urge you to “STOP” before you upload video to Facebook and Instagram of your half-naked selves twerking on the hood of a 2002 Escalade? Can you at least do that shit on a vehicle that came out AFTER the Bush administration? Sisters, do you really think that putting your hands on a grown ass man (equipped with nigga strength) is actually conducive to the preservation of your health and longevity? And for the love of God, why won’t you bitches shut the fuck up while everyone else is trying to watch the movie? It’s called a theater, not a ratchet-barn.

These questions do not apply to all black women. Like I mentioned earlier, roughly 35 percent of ya’ll have at least a crumb of sense. But the majority of ya’ll need saving, and apparently Jesus has finally given up. So I say, forget Mexicans and Muslims. We need Mexicans for lawn care and in my eyes, Muslims are the bomb! Hey Donnie, yeah Mr. Trump, take a break from immigration reform and focus on getting rid of these street urchins and blackfoot ratchets. NOW please! Here’s a list of the type of black women that i’m referring to:

The Ratchets

ratchet photosIt’s time for you bitches to go. It’s been time. Donald, take them away. I’m gonna commit suicide if I see one more photo on the gram of a black woman sporting a blue weave, blue lipstick (really, bitch?), thigh-high leather boots, and an undersized top that’s unable to hide her bloated gut. These hoes even got the nerve to post “YAAAS” underneath these nauseating images, as if they’re impressive. Nigga what? Take that caption down. And while i’m on the subject, ladies, please, for all that’s holy, stop expressing your approval by saying “YAAAS.” That shit is played out, stupid, and should be reserved only for gay Puerto Rican men. Just stop.

The fighters (Man-Beaters)

Female boxer and Olympics hopeful Shields poses for a portrait in the F.W.C. Berston boxing gym in FlintSo you bitches like to fight niggas, huh? That ain’t how a lady should behave. Sisters, I’m warning you that we live in a new time. Back in the day, black men like Dr. Martin Luther King were civilized. They would only slap bitches in the privacy of their own homes (that’s chivalry personified). These days, there may only be a handful of niggas who’ll walk away after being assaulted by a violent woman. I’ve seen footage of niggas who used all of their might (not half or a quarter) to knock bitches clean the fuck out. I don’t condone any man putting his hands on a woman. But some of ya’ll be asking for it. Mr President, give these hoes the boot.

The (Afrocentric) Natural Hair Wearing Sisters

natural hair photoI get it. You won’t be forced to comply with society’s expectation of how you should style your crop. You don’t wanna use a relaxer or a hot comb to straighten your otherwise nappy hair — it’s disrespectful to your African roots. I get it. Black Power! However, I’m getting tired of you India Arie wannabes behaving like you’re enlightened just because you’ve decided to rock dreads or an Afro. If you hadn’t noticed, Africa is thousands of miles away from the US. Wearing a prom dress made of Kente Cloth doesn’t make you any more plugged into African culture than anyone else. It makes you look desperate for attention and silly. Real Africans don’t even like you. Mr. President, get these Whoppi Goldberg rejects outta here.

The Nigga Feminist

black feminist photoI’m a woman, hear me roar! Shut ya’ll asses up. Indeed, the country is saturated with thousands upon thousands of backwards-thinking feminists. But every time I see them marching together, wearing next to nothing most of the time, the message I receive goes something like: “I’m a slut, watch me whore!” I support a woman’s right to vote, work and all that other new-age shit. However, when I look around, I see a bunch of man-hating, sexually-confused, emotionally damaged THOTS masquerading as feminists. When this group finally gets a clue and some direction, I’ll join the bandwagon. Until then, Mr. Trump needs to send them packing.

The Holy Rollers

christian-black-woman photo

what you lookin’ up at, some dick?

God doesn’t love you bitches! You know why? It’s because He renders judgment on each individual based on the purity of his/her heart, and though many of you claim to be pious (that means holy), that’s often not true. There’s nothing worse than a bible-thumping charlatan who uses her tongue to lick penis on Saturday, and then pretends to speak in tongues on Sunday. Ya’ll nasty! Oh and sisters, please stop posting images of disfigured children on Facebook and asking everybody to type “AMEN” in the comment section. I could be wrong, but something tells me that God doesn’t pay much attention to social media. I’ll make ya’ll a deal, post images of yourselves jumping off a cliff and plummeting to your death, and i’ll gladly say amen. Hey Trump, deport these bitches.

Honorable Mention: Alicia Keys

alicia keys photoI hate her small arms, that stupid piano and she is literally the least talented superstar on Earth. President Trump, if you can’t force her out of the country, at least ban her from ever performing on a stage again.

cory haywood

The Black Hat is written by  Southern California based  Cory A. Haywood, a freelance writer and expert on Negro foolishness. Contact him via: [email protected] and/or visit his blog: corythewriter.blogspot.com, or send him a message on Twitter: @coryahaywood