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ASK ADVICE CHICK: Answers to YOUR Dating, Sex, Life, & Love Questions!
(December 21, 2004)
Dear Advice Chick,
Is it possible for a woman to have sex with a man continuously and not become emotionally attached, even if they agreed that it is a sex only relationship with no strings attached?
Is it possible for a woman to have sex with a man continuously and not become emotionally attached, even if they agreed that it is a sex only relationship with no strings attached?
Advice Chick replies,
NO. It matters not that they initially “said” this would be sex only, there is no way for a woman (unless she IS a prostitute, whereas money would be her motivation) to continually have sex with the same man without catching some feelings for him.
NO. It matters not that they initially “said” this would be sex only, there is no way for a woman (unless she IS a prostitute, whereas money would be her motivation) to continually have sex with the same man without catching some feelings for him.
Most women are emotional, whereas most men are physical. Men can have sex with the same woman (or women) for years while maintaining the “Sex Buddies Only” contract. Many women believe they can “change a man’s mind” when this is usually far from the truth and far from that thing called reality. It’s cool when the sex buddies only contract is drawn, but it can be really hard to keep your feelings in check when you are sharing so much of your time and your body (which is connected to your very soul) with the same man – over and over again.
Very soon you’ll become attracted/drawn to this man like a magnet to steel. This can oftentimes be attributed to “oxytocins,” the chemical that is released in men and women during sexual orgasm. The oxytocins can bond the woman to the man like superglue to wood.
Again, my response is a heart-dropping to the pit of the stomach --- NO.
Dear Advice Chick,
My girl has gone on two pseudo dates with this fellow. During their second date, he's telling her how he really likes Tupac, his music and his poetry. In the course of the conversation, he also tells her about one of his guy friends.
Then, out of nowhere he says, "If I were gay, I would sleep with Tupac and *insert friend's name*." She says she's shocked so she doesn't say anything and just tries to maintain her composure. I don't know how convincing her Poker face was so I don't know how to gauge his reaction. BUT on it's face, it's SUH-SPISH-US! He asks her, "What would you say if I told you I was bisexual?" She says, she looked him dead in the face without judgment and told him, "I would believe you." You say you’re bisexual, you're bisexual. Why would she argue with him? Not to mention, she already knows what men he wants to sleep with.
My girl has gone on two pseudo dates with this fellow. During their second date, he's telling her how he really likes Tupac, his music and his poetry. In the course of the conversation, he also tells her about one of his guy friends.
Then, out of nowhere he says, "If I were gay, I would sleep with Tupac and *insert friend's name*." She says she's shocked so she doesn't say anything and just tries to maintain her composure. I don't know how convincing her Poker face was so I don't know how to gauge his reaction. BUT on it's face, it's SUH-SPISH-US! He asks her, "What would you say if I told you I was bisexual?" She says, she looked him dead in the face without judgment and told him, "I would believe you." You say you’re bisexual, you're bisexual. Why would she argue with him? Not to mention, she already knows what men he wants to sleep with.
Then, he tried to flip the script on her, saying, "Then, you must like gay men." He tries to clean everything up, talking about he hates gays, he's homophobic, and how he once sat outside a friend's house for an hour waiting on her, because he didn't want to be around her gay roommate. I'm sorry, but all the evidence is pointing to one thing, HE'S GAY! IN MY EXPERIENCE ... Homophobic men don't talk about what men they would have sex with if they were gay. "If they were gay ..." and "... if I told you I was bisexual" are not even remote thoughts. They don't even admit to being homophobic, because they don't even want to be called anything with "homo-" in it, not even homosapien! Well, that's the evidence. I told her my take. What do YOU think?
Advice Chick replies,
Girlfriend, you and I are on the same page. This guy is definitely displaying a possible interest in the “alternative lifestyle.” Straight men simply do not sit around thinking about which male rapper/hip hop artist they want to dyck down. Nor do straight men fantasize about engaging in sex with their male friends.
Girlfriend, you and I are on the same page. This guy is definitely displaying a possible interest in the “alternative lifestyle.” Straight men simply do not sit around thinking about which male rapper/hip hop artist they want to dyck down. Nor do straight men fantasize about engaging in sex with their male friends.
Homophobic? Nope. Homophobes are low-key like racists in the office. The so-called “down-low” phenomenon is influencing many black men, and he may be one of the latest victims.
Anywho, the writing is on the wall. She has gone on a couple dates with a man who
has openly expressed a possible interest in sexing another man or two. “If I told you I was bi-sexual” may be code for “I am bi-sexual, I just haven’t told you yet.” If she’s looking for love (or even like) tell her to look elsewhere.
Dear Advice Chick,
A few years ago, this guy and I liked each other. We hung out and partied together but never made it known to each other back then that we liked each other and nothing intimate ever happened between us. Recently, our paths have crossed and he is now married with three boys. We've gone to lunch a few times and we enjoy reminiscing about the past but lately he's been giving real strong vibes about getting with me. He calls me all the time and tells me how much he enjoyed having lunch and seeing me. I just blow it off and then finally I just told him that I don't get caught up or involved emotionally or sexually with married men because its a known fact, they're not leaving their wife and family and I damn sure don't want him to on my account, then the most important thing, its wrong. He makes out like he's happily married but given the opportunity to taste these cookies, I know he would. Can we be just friends without getting caught emotionally or should I severe all ties and tell him to focus on his marriage and family? I am not feeling him at all in an intimate way, but I do like him as a friend.
A few years ago, this guy and I liked each other. We hung out and partied together but never made it known to each other back then that we liked each other and nothing intimate ever happened between us. Recently, our paths have crossed and he is now married with three boys. We've gone to lunch a few times and we enjoy reminiscing about the past but lately he's been giving real strong vibes about getting with me. He calls me all the time and tells me how much he enjoyed having lunch and seeing me. I just blow it off and then finally I just told him that I don't get caught up or involved emotionally or sexually with married men because its a known fact, they're not leaving their wife and family and I damn sure don't want him to on my account, then the most important thing, its wrong. He makes out like he's happily married but given the opportunity to taste these cookies, I know he would. Can we be just friends without getting caught emotionally or should I severe all ties and tell him to focus on his marriage and family? I am not feeling him at all in an intimate way, but I do like him as a friend.
Advice Chick replies,
I don’t believe you. If you are not “feeling him at all in an intimate way,” you would not have submitted the same question twice. Severe all ties immediately because it appears that you are becoming emotionally attached, and that is not a good thing. Don’t flatter yourself, ma. Most men will “taste free cookies” when they’re served up hot and ready. However, when they’re finished with the cookies, they will usually brush off the crumbs and return home to their wife and family.
It’s always cool to become reacquainted with an old friend. The circumstances are not the same, and the lunches and phone calls should cease. Has he introduced you to his wife? If he hasn’t you’re not his friend, you’re his SECRET.
I don’t believe you. If you are not “feeling him at all in an intimate way,” you would not have submitted the same question twice. Severe all ties immediately because it appears that you are becoming emotionally attached, and that is not a good thing. Don’t flatter yourself, ma. Most men will “taste free cookies” when they’re served up hot and ready. However, when they’re finished with the cookies, they will usually brush off the crumbs and return home to their wife and family.
It’s always cool to become reacquainted with an old friend. The circumstances are not the same, and the lunches and phone calls should cease. Has he introduced you to his wife? If he hasn’t you’re not his friend, you’re his SECRET.
Dear Advice Chick,
I'm 38 years old and have a 7 year-old. I got my tubes "tied" last year and I'm wondering should I tell my dates this information? I'm usually just very adamant about not having any more children but it that enough? If not, when should I tell them?
Advice Chick replies,
There’s no reason to tell the men you date all of your B-I. Hell, you and he/they may not even get to the bedroom, but here he is (or they are) knowing private and personal details about your reproductive system. Keep your business to yourself until you have established a connection with a guy that may lead to something serious. If it’s just a fling, or a string of one-night-stands they don’t give a damn if your tubes are tied or not. They just want your legs open.
There’s no reason to tell the men you date all of your B-I. Hell, you and he/they may not even get to the bedroom, but here he is (or they are) knowing private and personal details about your reproductive system. Keep your business to yourself until you have established a connection with a guy that may lead to something serious. If it’s just a fling, or a string of one-night-stands they don’t give a damn if your tubes are tied or not. They just want your legs open.
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Get an autographed copy of Advice Chick’s first dating book at thebasicsbook.com! Kimberly Williams is an International Advice Columnist and the former advice columnist for VIBE Magazine on-line. Her in-your-face style has entertained and informed listeners in world-wide. Kimberly’s media credits include: Playboy Radio, USA Today, ABC-7 News, Montel Williams TV, Complete Woman, Men's Edge, Woman's World, and Entrepreneur.
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