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Dear Advice Chick,
*I have an 11-year old son and have known his father for about 13 years. We broke up when our son was about 6. So for the past five years we have been seeing each other off and on. He has been dating this person (and eventually moved in with her) about three years ago. Well, things, according to him, had been bad for awhile and, according to him, he slept in the other bedroom (which he told me was his room and he shares with our son when he comes over). He said he was only there until his lease ran out which was around May or June of this year. So the past two years, our seeing each other became frequent and we have been having a sexual relationship ever since.
We traveled last year to SC, FL, NJ, and WVA. When we returned back to my house after our last trip (which was our son's birthday), his roommate" was at my house. Nothing happened and I didn't know it was her until after the fact. I questioned him about this and he said that she likes drama. I said if it's nothing between you and her than there should be no drama. Later that evening she called my house and apologized for being there earlier that day. I didn't say anything. When she called, the name registered as her first name/his last name. I asked him was he married and he blatantly told me "NO". He said something about her needing to use his last name to get the phone turned on because of some outstanding issues she had with the phone company. I believed his story and left it at that.
The week of March 3rd, he went out of town. Called me everyday, but on Wednesday of that week, I was having bad vibes. We spoke that morning. Before I left work, something told me to put her name into a search on the internet. Not much came up, so I type in her first name/his last name. A webpage came up with her first name/his last name. I called and asked him was he married, he kept saying no. So I hung up and did some more research. I found her work number, dialed it, and asked to speak to her (using his last name). They said she was not in that week, but here is her number. Now call me crazy, but why would someone be going by another name at her place of business? I called her number and her voicemail said this is her first name/his last name. So, I called him back, told him not to lie because too many things were coming up showing her/his name. I asked him was she there and he said no, she was out of town on another trip.
He finally admitted that he married her and he only married her because she would not turn over the title to his car unless they were married. (She took out a loan and put the car in her name because his credit was too bad). And it was late January when he did get the car switched to his mother name. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life, but he claims that was the only way he could get his car. He said he worked so hard to get this car and I wouldn't understand. He said he was going to tell me on our cruise (oh, I forgot to mention that we booked a family cruise in February for departure in June) because by then he would have left her and filed for a divorce. Now to make this worse, I had given him a check for $9,400 to cover a high interest rate loan he was paying and he was to pay me $300 a month until it was paid in full. The check was made out to the company. Call me stupid, but I love him and after 13 years, I thought I knew him. As I mentioned earlier, we had been having sex constantly for about two years and I found out he got married in January of this year and our son was in it. He got married on a Saturday. He was at my house, in my bed that Friday and back at my house that Monday. He was having dinner with me and my family to celebrate my mother's birthday three days later and he never missed a beat.
I'm hurt, torn, and want to kill. He was making promises to me and stabbing me in the back at the same time. But he says he loves me.
Advice Chick replies,
This liar with bad credit does not love you. You knew what it was but kept going forward. You wanted to be with this liar, cheater, deceiver, heartbreaker although you knew he was NOT available. "Things are bad .. we don't even sleep together ...blah, blah ..." ALL lies and deep in your (broken) heart you knew he was lying. You believed him because you wanted to believe him NOT because you thought there was a remote chance he was telling the truth.
How you gonna tell me he was dating AND living with another woman, but you and he had been seeing each other off and on? The only person he needed to be seeing (while he is livng with another woman who we now KNOW is his wife) was his son. That is plain ol' foolish.
Girl, you doing web searches, having bad vibes, calling folks, hanging up, pressing redial - that is too damn much work. Plus - you came home from vacation and his wife, WIFEY is in your crib - WHAT? Then she's calling you to apologize - this is some scurry sheit.
He lied about being married, then confessed. Now you reveal that you've fronted dude over 9,000.00?! You fronted $9,400.00 to a man that married somebody else? You keep bringing up the fact that y'all were still having sex, so what? You were the damn dummy letting him hit it, quit it, and go home to his WIFE with YOUR nine thousand dollars.
You're hurt, torn, and want to kill, but seriously? You only have yourself to be upset with. You knew something was wrong, ma. Stop front'in on me. You know that sick a$$ feeling you were having in the pit of your stomach? That feeling does not ever lie.
I do not want to read about you in the crime section on cnn. You now know better, so please do better. Stop having meaningless sex with that woman's husband. Stop listening to anything he says, you now know that he is a liar. I hope you had him sign a promissory note for the 9,400.00 check. I feel like you didn't but I hope you did. If you didn't, it's going to be next to impossible to collect. If you don't collect, chalk it up to an (expensive) lesson learned. He does not love you.
In closing, a man can only treat you as poorly as you allow him too.
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Ask Advice Chick about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING related to dating, sex, love, and life! She is THE resident dating expert at EURweb.com, and calls on over 11 years of dating and relationship industry experience.
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