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THE MO'KELLY REPORT: El DeBarge Arrested Again...You Know What THAT Means!
Dont get it twisted nigga !!! you would get your ass whooped by yours
truly ... I have come a long ass way from what you saw back in the day.
You lil bitch, i'll be 47 years old in jume, and if you ever dream about
whippin my ass, you betta wake up and apologise ya punk ass ho...
For those not quite up to speed on the saga better known as Mo'Kelly versus El DeBarge; "Eldra" took a moment out of his day, in between crack pipes and abusing women to blast an email in protest of Mo'Kelly's highly hilarious editorial about his arrests ...
All of them.
The "funny" part of it was that Eldra's email came some FIVE months after the original editorial, meaning he had to wait to get sprung from the joint to even see Mo'Kelly's piece. He was a little behind the rest of us. Prison can do that to a "G."
Upon receiving Eldra's email, four things immediately came to mind.
1) Crackheads don't spell all that well.
2) His daughter Adris DeBarge should have child-proofed her computer before leaving Eldra home unsupervised.
3) Threatening people in writing while out on parole is proof that you're on your way back to jail ... you just don't know it yet.
4) I wonder, what "kind" of crackhead is Eldra DeBarge?
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El DeBarge
Less than a year later, (crackhead spelling skills aside) ... Eldra Patrick DeBarge is BACK in jail and being held without bail as Mo'Kelly types.
Wow ... didn't see THAT coming. It was just all so sudden and caught Mo'Kelly by surprise.
For all of you who thought Mo'Kelly had used every conceivable cheap Eldra DeBarge joke available in order to generate a laugh…you would be wrong.
There's more where that came from.
As long as Eldra DeBarge can find it within himself to go to the all trouble of getting arrested, then freed, then arrested, then freed, then arrested…the least Mo'Kelly can do is his part in clowning him.
This latest arrest was for possession of a controlled substance.
"A controlled substance?" What, just one?
(Daughter) Adris DeBarge…I blame you.
You're responsible for the "marriage" sham of Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds and now this. You ought to be ashamed. Tracey Edmonds still hasn't bounced back and clearly neither has daddy.
Adris…I blame you.
But back to item #4. What "kind" of crackhead is Eldra DeBarge? We have three main crackhead archetypes to use as a frame of reference.
By show of applause…
Introducing crackhead #1, "Gator."
"Mama, I smoked the TV!"
Or, maybe El is more like THIS! Presenting crackhead #2, Eddie Kane Jr.
"Adris…Nights like this…I wish, raindrops would fah-ha-ha-ha-hall! Nights like this!" (2:10 in)
Or ... maybe Eldra is more like #3, "Pookie!"
"It just be calling me!"
Mo'Kelly really wants to know. Aren't there variations in crack personalities? We know that there are "quiet drunks," "belligerent drunks," "funny drunks," "happy drunks"…
Isn't it the same with crackheads? Just how wide a spectrum is there for the crack-controlled persona? Maybe El is a "happy" crackhead and the life of the party. But judging by his domestic abuse arrests and the aforementioned email…probably not.
But Mo'Kelly is curious, do crackheads "drunk dial" like most folks do? Does El get high and just start calling old girlfriends at random at 4 in the morning…just to talk or apologize for something 10 years ago?
Aside from that, couldn't you just imagine a Shermed-out Eldra DeBarge singing some of his greatest hits, thinking he sounded like he did back in '88…but sounding more like "Eddie Kane Jr?"
THAT probably went over well in court…
(a shackled El DeBarge is led into court by the bailiff. Eldra stares blankly in amazement at his "pretty" and matching ensemble of silver wrist and ankle "bracelets." El's lawyer addresses the court)
"Your honor, I move that bail be set at $10,000…he's a well-respected singer, not a flight risk." (El starts "singing" and twitching from the crack withdrawal)
"There she goes (twitch) and knows I'm dying (twitch, scratch)
When she says (twitch, twitch), "Who is Johnny?"
"Mr. DeBarge, no singing please…I'll hold you in contempt! (To the lawyer) And counselor, who in the hell is Johnny?"
"Games (twitch) with names (scratches scrotum) that girl is playing (twitch) All she says (twitch) is "Who is Johnny?"
(Gavel strike)
"Remand. El DeBarge is to be held without bail. Next case?!"
Mo'Kelly was really pulling for Eldra to get it together this time. Mo'Kelly was hoping Eldra would be able to kick the habit and stop kicking women. Mo'Kelly was looking forward to the day in which he and El could sit down, have a beer, look back on this and laugh.
As it turns out, Mo'Kelly will have to settle for having that beer and laughing uncontrollably all by himself. Thoughts and prayers to Eldra's other 10 children. In memoriam, Mo'Kelly presents another musical tribute. Press play.
Adris, I blame you. Child-proof your computer next time.
"Mama…I smoked the TV!"
The Mo'Kelly Report is a syndicated entertainment journal with a political slant. It is to meant to incite meaningful discourse as well as entertain. For more of Mr. Mo'Kelly, please visit http://www.mokellyreport.blogspot.com. Morris W. O'Kelly can be reached at mokellyreport@sbcglobal.netand he welcomes all commentary.
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