07-07-09 EUR ALL ON ONE PAGE(July 7, 2009)
MARIAH, J-HUD, URSH, KOBE TO ATTEND MJ MEMORIAL: Gordy, Smokey, Stevie, Crouch and more to take part in today's ceremony. *Mariah Carey, Kobe Bryant, Jennifer Hudson, Usher and Lionel Richie are among the celebrities confirmed to participate in Michael Jackson's memorial service this morning at L.A.'s Staples Center. Also announced to attend: Ron Boyd (family friend); Andrae Crouch Choir; Berry Gordy; Gladys Knight; Justin Timberlake; Diana Ross; Shaheen Jafargholi (finalist on "Britain’s Got Talent"); Magic Johnson; Martin Luther King III; Bernice A. King; John Mayer; Lionel Richie; Smokey Robinson; Rev. Al Sharpton; Brooke Shields; Pastor Lucious Smith (family Meanwhile, Shalamar's Jeffrey Daniels, who says he was the first to moonwalk and taught the move to Michael Jackson, spent Friday night in the Jackson family home in Encino, LA, and revealed earlier Monday that Wonder would be a part of today's bill. *A public memorial for retired NFL quarterback Steve McNair is scheduled to take place from 3 p.m. to 7:45 p.m. ET Thursday at Mount Zion Baptist Church in Whites Creek, Tenn., according to the Tennessean. A memorial service was also scheduled for 8 p.m. ET at the church, the newspaper reported. A funeral was expected to be scheduled for Saturday in Hattiesburg, Miss., though that service was still being finalized at press time. The body of the former Titans quarterback, 36, was found with four gunshot wounds Saturday afternoon in a downtown Nashville condominium, according to police, who also said that a semiautomatic pistol was found under the body of the athlete's girlfriend, Sahel Kazemi, 20, who was shot in the head. Authorities said Kazemi purchased the gun on Thursday. McNair was discovered in a seated position on a sofa in the living room, shot twice in the head and two more times in the chest. The relationship between the married McNair and Kazemi, who'd been a waitress at a Dave & Buster's restaurant, began around six months ago, according to the Tennessean. Immediately smitten, McNair bought her a Cadillac Escalade for her birthday in May, the paper reported. Farzin Abdi, a nephew of Kazemi, said his aunt believed McNair was divorcing his wife and she was preparing to sell her furniture to move in with him. His wife, Mechelle McNair, has made no comment since her husband's death. According to the New York Daily News, which cited unnamed sources close to McNair, his wife may have been unaware of the affair until learning of the circumstances of his death. "She's blindsided by this," the newspaper quoted a source as saying of Mechelle McNair. "She's crushed. Her whole world is shattered." The quarterback's agent, Bus Cook, said he had never heard Kazemi's name until news of the shooting broke Saturday. Cook said Mechelle was "in and out of it." He said she had no comment after the police called his death a homicide. Mechelle was "very upset, very distraught" Sunday, Cook said. She was preparing to finish the funeral arrangements Monday. Appearing at a news conference Monday at Titans headquarters, a somber coach Jeff Fisher said, "The Steve McNair I knew would want me to say, celebrate my life, for what I did on the field, for what I did in the community, for the kind of teammate that I was. That's what the Steve I knew would want me to say." Investigators weren't looking for a suspect but were questioning friends of the couple as well as Kazemi's ex-boyfriend. They were also waiting for results of drug and other laboratory tests before deciding whether McNair was killed in a lovers' quarrel. KATHERINE NO LONGER CONTROLS MJ ESTATE: Judge gives reigns to attorney John Branca and music executive John McClain. *A judge on Monday rejected a request from Michael Jackson's mother Katherine Jackson to be put in charge or share control of her son's estate. Instead, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff said Jackson's longtime attorney John Branca and family friend, music executive John McClain, should take over the pop singer's estate for now. Both had been designated in Jackson's 2002 will as the people he wanted to administer his estate. *TV One is offering live, uninterrupted coverage of today's Michael Jackson's memorial service from the Staples Center in Los Angeles beginning at 1 p.m. ET/10 a.m. PT. *The closing day of the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans featured Lionel Richie reuniting with the Commodores to perform some of their biggest hits, including "Brick House" and "Just to be Close to You." Mayor Ray Nagin presented the city's crystal star award to Beverly, who has closed out the event each of the past 15 years. CHRIS BROWN SPOTTED WITH KANYE'S EX: Also, Amber Rose signs with Ford, more on West's Gap internship. The New York Daily News says its source saw Brown arrive at the party with Rihanna look-a-like Teyana Taylor, then promptly leave her side to flirt with Rose for the rest of the evening. "Diddy announced the deejay would do a tribute to Michael Jackson," said the source. "Chris did an amazing impression of Michael's moonwalk. It wasn't long before he was dancing with Amber." In other Amber Rose news, the bald model announced on Globalgrind.com that she has signed with the Ford agency for representation. The contract, Rose writes, is "proof that when you work hard, good things do happen." MARION BARRY'S LAWYER DENIES STALKING: Attorney calls woman involved 'unstable' and lacking in credibility. *Marion Barry's lawyer says the former Washington D.C. mayor has a perfectly good explanation for his client's latest arrest on stalking charges, and is confident he will be cleared of the allegations. JAY-Z ACCUSED OF STIFFING HIS LAWYER: Attorney repping him in 40/40 employee case says he hasn't been paid. *Jay-Z is being sued in federal court by the lawyer representing a lawsuit brought against him by former employees of the rapper's 40/40 club, who claim they were denied hourly wages and were compensated only by tips. AL SHARPTON WANTS A MIJAC STAMP: Plus, reverend responds to Rep. Peter King calling MJ a 'child molester' and 'pervert.' *Speaking at LA's First AME Church on Sunday, the Rev. Al Sharpton railed against negative media coverage of Michael Jackson, and also suggested a national day of mourning for the star as well as a U.S. postage stamp in his honor. In a two-minute YouTube video posted Sunday, the congressman from New York referred to Jackson as "some pervert" and blamed political correctness in the media for the wall-to-wall coverage of Jackson's death. "Let's knock out the psychobabble," King said in the video, which was posted by his campaign. "He was a pervert, a child molester; he was a pedophile. And to be giving this much coverage to him, day in and day out, what does it say about us as a country? I just think we're too politically correct." Sharpton responded: "The statement by Rep. Peter King represents a small element of people who have NO respect for the courts of law. Mr. King raises allegations that were found to be baseless in the courts and it is interesting to me that people that often tell me to listen to the courts when I disagree, now recklessly and viciously disregard the courts when they disagree. Thank GOD millions of people openly disagree with Mr. King and his comments. We will continue to celebrate Michael Jackson, an iconic and historic figure and I have been asked to be one of the speakers at the official Memorial at Los Angeles Staple Center tomorrow." TIM MEADOWS JOINS 'GROWN UPS': 'SNL' alum reunites with former cast mates Rudolph, Rock, Sandler and more. *The upcoming Columbia film "Grown Ups" has added yet another former cast member of "Saturday Night Live" to its lineup of talent. PHIFER, BEALS CAUGHT IN MORE 'LIES': Actors to reprise roles in next season of Fox's 'Lie to Me.' *Fox's "Lie to Me" is bringing back season one guest stars Mekhi Phifer and Jennifer Beals for expanded duties during its next run. Phifer, who appeared in the crime drama's last two episodes of the season, will return as a series regular, according to the trades. He plays FBI agent Reynolds, who was brought in to liaise between the Lightman Group and the FBI when the lie-detection specialists are called in to help solve cases that can't be cracked through traditional investigative tactics. WILL AND JADA'S DAUGHTER TO MAKE TV DEBUT: Willow guests stars later this month on Nickelodeon's 'True Jackson, VP.' *Willow Smith, daughter to Hollywood couple Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, will make her television debut in an upcoming, one-hour episode of Nickelodeon's "True Jackson, VP," starring Keke Palmer. DEBBIE ROWE OPTS NOT TO ATTEND MEMORIAL: Mother of Michael Jackson's two eldest says she doesn't want to be a distraction. *Michael Jackson's ex-wife and mother of his two eldest children – involved in a brewing custody battle with the Jackson family – had been confirmed to attend the singer's memorial service today in Los Angeles – but has decided not to go. In other Rowe news, TMZ reported that she was swarmed by paparazzi outside of a Chinese restaurant in Lancaster, CA on Sunday – "and when one dude got too close, she flipped, screaming 'Are you ready to have your butt kicked? Don't f**king touch me!'" BROADWAY STARS ORGANIZE MJ TRIBUTE: Lewis, Ebersole, Jenkins, De Haas, Thomas, Owens and more set for Birdland in October. *A host of Broadway stars will take part in an upcoming tribute to the late Michael Jackson on Oct. 19 at famed jazz venue Birdland, reports Playbill News. MALIA OBAMA'S BIRTHDAY WEEKEND: First daughter celebrates the big 1-1 at Camp David and the White House. *First daughter Malia Obama turned 11 on July 4th and spent the entire holiday weekend marking the occasion – with 20 or so girlfriends at Camp David on Thursday and Friday, and several thousand guests of her dad at the White House on Saturday. The July 4th South Lawn barbecue and fireworks-watching party were for members of the military and their families, as well as White House staff members and their families. President Obama told the attendees, "There's another person who is thrilled you are here today. Malia. It just happens to be her birthday as well. When she was younger, I used to say all these fireworks were for her. I'm not sure she stills buys that." ITTY BITTY BITS: Paula in Vegas; new Honduran leader disses Obama; Farmar 'Gala'; Carey's 'Obsessed'; Doritos taps Big Boi; Eminem cameo. *The Jordan Farmar Foundation is hosting the "Jordan Farmar Celebrity Golf Classic and Gala" on July 20 at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, California. The event will be preceded on Sunday July 19 by the "All White Affair" at TenTen Wilshire in Los Angeles. The gala will include a fashion show, live performance and dancing. The Jordan Farmar Foundation is a proud supporter of the Mattel Children’s Hospital and Taft High School. *Eminem will make a cameo in Adam Sandler’s upcoming movie "Funny People," reports Allhiphop.com. Due in theaters July 31, the film stars Sandler as a comedian who finds out he is about to die. After he is finally cured of his illness, he struggles with how to cope with a second chance at life. EUR FILM REVIEW: Local Color
John, Sr. thinks his son must be a homosexual because he enjoys drawing male nudes. After all, this is 1974, during decidedly less-enlightened times, especially in upstate New York. Frustrated Junior decides to travel to Pennsylvania to ask his idol, aging master, Nicoli Seroff (Armin Mueller-Stahl), to take him on as an apprentice. It seems that the cranky codger is still grieving the death of his wife even though she passed away ages ago in Stalinist Russia during the purge. He somehow remains sour in spite of the presence of a ready replacement ostensibly waiting in the wings in the person of his pretty neighbor, Carla (Samantha Mathis). The plot thickens when the cantankerous coot grudgingly agrees to mentor John for the summer on the condition he follows an unorthodox training regimen with question. Next, however, Nicoli has his protégé painting his house instead of any canvases. Soon, John starts to wonder how the heck this will lead to his learning to paint beautiful landscapes. Not to worry. If you’re familiar with the storyline of The Karate Kid, then you undoubtedly remember that the mentoring-style of sensei Mr. Miyagi (who was also mourning the loss of his wife) had more to do with housework than with the martial arts. Therefore, expect to see shades of that screen classic’s arc in Local Color, an autobiographical coming-of-age bio-pic written and directed by George Gallo. Fortunately, this variation on the “ostracized teen trying to make it in a new town” theme does have a unique twist, an awkward love triangle. You see, the blonde John gets to go gaga over isn’t a girl his own age, but none other than Nicoli’s Carla, a cougar prepared to pounce, provided her young prey doesn’t turn out to be gay. Simultaneously serving as a muse and as a sympathetic shoulder to lean on, the seductive single-mom inspires her blossoming boy-toy with simplistic, fortune cookie philosophizing such as: “Follow your heart!” and “Don’t let anyone talk you out of what you want to be.” Hey, don’t laugh Corny lines like that can sound like pearls of wisdom to the testosterone-blinded mind of a virgin with raging hormones, especially when coming from a woman he secretly desires. Forget The Karate Kid, make room for The Painting Protégé! Very Good (2.5 stars) To see a trailer for Local Color, visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD5-Xph5b2w
Based on the popular DC Comics series of the same name, this eagerly-anticipated adaptation is plagued by a plethora of characters and a convoluted plotline that takes almost three hours to introduce, thicken and resolve. Part of the confusion comes from the backdrop of the story, which is set in 1985 in an alternate reality where Richard Nixon is still president. Furthermore, America and the U.S.S.R. are at odds and teetering on the brink of mutual nuclear annihilation. The point of departure is the mysterious murder of The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), a retired member of the Watchmen, a confederation of superheroes who once worked for the U.S. government. His body is discovered by Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley), a former colleague who sports a mask with a constantly changing symmetrical ink blot. Rorschach decides its time to reassemble the old gang in order to get to the bottom of the crime, unaware that this endeavor will, in turn, embroil them in a subplot to save the planet from extinction. Most notable among the motley crew coming out of mothballs are brainiac Ozymandias (Matthew Goode); techno-wiz Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson); curvy Silk Spectre II (Malin Ackerman); her lover Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup); and her mother, Silk Spectre (Carla Gugino). One can’t help but notice two things about the scene-stealing Manhattan: that he’s blue, and that he’s always naked. The latter distraction tends to overshadow his amazing superhuman ability to bend matter with his mind, the result of the proverbial exposure to radiation in a lab accident. For, whenever the camera shoots him below the waist, we’re treated to the shocking sight of his dangling family jewels in all their glory. Equally jaw-dropping is director Zack Snyder’s tendency to up the ante in terms of gratuitous violence. For instance, in the comic book, Rorschach killed a kidnapper simply by handcuffing him to a pipe, setting the house on fire, and calmly walking out. But in the screen version, Rorschach has inexplicably morphed into a sadistic vigilante who takes glee in hacking away at the same sicko’s head with the cleaver. A morally-ambiguous parable designed to tap into homoerotic urges while satiating the bloodlust of the sanguine, post-Pavlovian Cyber Generation.
2-Disc DVD Extras: Digital copy, director’s cut, video journals, music video and “The Phenomenon: The Comic That Changed Comics” featurette. To see a trailer for Watchmen, visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRMjr1UKa5k
*Entertainers rarely are the best examples of what to do or not to do. But the life of Michael Jackson was an example of both. There’s no denying his musical talent, his infectious dance moves and his influence on other entertainers after him. All evident from his ability to pre-sell out 50 concerts (mostly off the popularity of previous albums) in London for a tour he was scheduled to begin this month and the attendance at his memorial service today at L.A.’s Staple Center held to celebrate his life and achievements. From a boy in single digits until the day he died at 50, Jackson gained the respect and admiration of millions of people and showed us what we too can achieve if we put our minds to it regardless of race or nationality. For that we salute his life and his legacy. Then there was the other side; the what-not to do side of his life. Despite his lyrics touting harmony and acceptance of all people it was painfully obvious to me that Jackson didn’t love himself. From one decade to the next MiJac changed the structure of his face, his hair and the complexion of his skin. He was running from the Black man in the mirror to a physical destination I’m not sure even he knew. It’s one thing when other people don’t accept you based on your heritage, but when you don’t accept yourself no amount of fame or fortune will fill that void. From all accounts Jackson spent his adult life trying to one-up his previous musical achievements. Sure, goal setting is a positive thing. But for a person who is never satisfied no amount of accomplishment would ever have been good enough. Had Jackson been allowed to grow up with his family in Gary, Indiana without the pressure of fame would he have developed more self-love? Although most of his siblings who grew up in the same household with Jackson seem to have adjusted well in adulthood despite their father’s physical and emotional abuse revealed in Jackson’s book ‘Moon Walk,’ people can be affected differently by the same stimuli. As parents, teachers and mentors in the lives of millions of children self-esteem is one of the most important characteristics we should instill. Only a few people will reach the level of success Jackson did. Still in those quiet moments when nobody else is around we shouldn’t need the approval of others. Self-love should be all the love that we need. Send questions, comments and speaking requests to Steffanie at teamtcbadvertising@hotmail.com. Or view the written version of her journal at www.youtube.com/steffanierivers. TURNER’S TWO CENTS: “OUR” MICHAEL JACKSON By Cameron Turner *Everybody grew up with Michael Jackson. But those of us in the 40-something to 50-something age group – especially those of us who are black -- really grew up with Michael Jackson. We experienced the Jackson Five first-hand and we related personally to Michael and his brothers because we were all the same age, we looked alike and we had the same interests. We even wore the same Afros, striped bell-bottoms and flowered shirts. I remember how my brother, our friends and I hurried to finish homework, finished playing early before the street lights came on and took our baths early because the J5 were going to be on Ed Sullivan. We counted down the days to the Jackson Five’s network TV special co-starring Bill Cosby, Rosie Grier and a dream team of NBA All-stars. We watched the original Saturday morning run of the Jackson Five cartoon. We stayed with Michael and the guys when they left Motown and transitioned from the Jackson Five to The Jacksons. We welcomed Randy into the group. We watched their summer replacement series on TV. We saw “The Wiz” in theaters and on early pay cable (remember ON and SelecTV?) when most “mainstream” filmgoers blew it off. And when Michael finally broke out on his own, we were ready for the fulfillment of an artistic promise that went back to “I Want You Back” and “ABC.” Because of that strong identification, most of us never became what I call “Michael-mania” fans – people whose admiration went way beyond a love for the King of Pop’s music into extreme hero worship. We tend to be more objective than the “Michael-mania” fans. We love Michael’s music deeply and passionately but that never blinded us to the weirdness in his life. We felt sad for Michael when he told interviewers that he felt more comfortable onstage than in normal social settings. We wondered why he never had a girlfriend, even though women all over the world were crazy about him. Then, when he started changing his face and hanging out with kids (Emmanuel Lewis, Macaulay Culkin, etc.), we knew something was wrong with this dude. That scared us, made us sad and annoyed us at the same time. We never stopped digging his art, but we worried about him and we criticized his strange behavior. A lot of “Michael-mania” fans considered this treasonous. They rationalized and defended every oddball thing Michael did. So, when he was accused of sexually molesting kids, the “Michael-mania” followers jumped immediately and indignantly to his defense. Michael was too pure a soul to ever do anything like that, they reasoned. We, on the other hand, hoped he hadn’t done what he was accused of doing. But we had serious doubts. And we still do. We never felt the need to transform this gifted, flawed human being into some kind of perfect, Earth-bound angel. We knew Michael Jackson from the beginning, so we knew that he was a regular guy with exceptional talent who also had some pretty serious problems. But, in spite of whatever was wrong with him, Michael Jackson created some of the most amazing, beautiful, exciting, touching, inspirational and innovative music that the world has ever known. That doesn’t make the craziness OK, but neither does the craziness undermine the art. Thanks for listening. I’m Cameron Turner and that’s my two cents. THINK! IT AIN’T ILLEGAL YET! THE ILL PROFESSORS: Man in the Mirror *This week, The Ill Professors celebrate the life of Michael Jackson. Simply put, Michael Jackson was the greatest. Michael was more than a singer. He possessed a quality that tapped into people's hearts and minds in a way that no other entertainer has. His music not only made people dance and sing, it erased color lines. Michael's life, though sometimes tragic, will be remembered for the impact he had on millions of people, over the course of almost five decades. Read our thoughts below and click the "podcast" link to listen to our discussion. RANDY BANDIT’S TAKE:
I was such a Michael Jackson fan that I actually paid cash for a broken Destiny album at a public library in Chicago back in 1984. There was a huge chip out of it, but it still played “Shake Your Body Down to the Ground,” so I didn’t care. Anything with Michael on it got bought, including “State of Shock” and even Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me.” Yes, I was the quintessential fan, white glove, “Beat It” jacket and all. As I got older, my thoughts about Michael grew more complicated. I would marvel at his transformation on the covers of JET magazine, his skin complexion lightening, the slick jheri curl baby hair giving way to a perm, and his nose steadily dwindling down—but I would still jump to hit a good “Chum-on” when his songs came on the radio. Michael was a far more complex individual than I think we will ever really know, but we felt him through his music--even when we questioned everything else. That’s what it meant to be a fan of Michael Jackson: to experience the euphoric highs and the devastating lows, and still unflinchingly call him “The King of Pop.” He made it cool for singers to be philanthropic. He made it cool for people to wear one of the greasiest hairstyles known to man. He made it cool for people to be themselves, whether that meant wearing one glove or pants that flooded above sequined socks. He also made it cool for people to have more exotic pets. Just glancing at most music videos made by R&B singers, one can easily see MJ’s influence. He was the master of the pose, with and without wind blowing behind him. He still knew how to bring you out of your seat and have you screaming at the stage. He was an icon in the truest sense of the word. While I will miss him, I know that he lives on in not only his music and videos, but in the music and videos of thousands of others. He is a cultural phenomenon, and children who have yet to be born will continue to feel his influence. So with a tip of the fedora and white glove, we remember you, Michael. Rest in peace.
I didn't believe that there was much more to discover about Michael Jackson. So much has been written about his life. There are countless hours of video footage and music. Unlike any other artist, we've seen and heard so much about Michael because he had a longevity that hasn't been equaled. To my surprise though, this week, after Michael's passing, I learned so much more. I always knew Michael had fans. I've been a die hard fan since childhood. The Jackson love was passed down to me from my parents who had been on board since the Motown days. What shocked me this week, was the sentimental response to Michael. My crying upon hearing the news that he'd passed wasn't shocking to me. I have to admit though, for a moment, I couldn't help but think about the fact that I was crying about someone I didn't know. What was a surprise was that so many people, people with families, important jobs and complicated lives, also broke down. Then, as I went on to Facebook to see what other people were saying, I realized that Michael had an impact that may have been greater than I'd ever thought about. Most of my Facebook friends are over thirty years old. Everyone was distraught. As the family now plans a memorial for Michael, I've already been to one online. The amount of honor Michael Jackson has been given over the last week on Facebook has been an amazing things to witness. In a time when people are jaded and more concerned than ever about their own well-being, people still felt the pain of losing what has been described by many, as a piece of their childhood. I learned that Michael was an ambassador who was able to bring people of all stripes together in ways other than song. People are sharing stories about how Michael was part of the fabric of their lives. In a time when emotion and connection seems to be eclipsed by the coldness of digital interaction, the avalanche of emotion being shared online speaks to Michael's legacy. It's much more than the music. Not only was he talented, he was a pioneer. He broke color barriers on MTV and some pop radio stations. We take for granted the amount of African-American mainstream music we hear now, but it wasn't that long ago that Michael was leading the charge. More importantly, with so much of our pop culture being disposable, Michael spanned generations. I can go on and on about his music, but instead I just want celebrate and honor him as a man who made a difference. As he sang beautifully on his Dangerous cd, "Like a comet, blazin' cross the evening sky, gone too soon." Go to illprofessors.com to hear our Michael Jackson tribute podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave comments. By Darryl James Sometimes, when humans are subjected to intense pain, their defense mechanisms force them to shut down. And during the shutdown time, there can be darkness. As an adult, I found the healing required for proper functioning, living with the risk of pain without flinching from the possibilities of love. I found my light. As a teenager, I spent some time in darkness after being subjected to emotional trauma. And during that darkness, I was unable to see some of the potential that passed right before my eyes. Such potential was dancing with me at a college party in Chicago on a break from college. “Please don’t give me any of your plastic lines, boy,” said the face connected to the beautiful body. “I’m really not trying to hear any of your bull.” I responded with: “If you haven’t heard it, then how do you know its bull? I may be about to say the things you have been waiting all of your life to hear.” “I doubt it. I’ve already heard more than enough from you, and I’m not trying to hear anymore.” I was astounded. She dismissed me. And did so by name. She dismissed me after telling me how I had finessed her and dismissed her after I slept with her. At first, I thought it was a joke someone was playing on me. I sincerely did not remember her. “How do you know my name?” She paused for a minute, cocked her head to the side as if pondering my question, and screwed her face up. “You disgust me. I don’t know if you’re playing or not, but if you are or aren’t you’re still sick. I can’t believe I gave myself to you and actually thought we could have something. You’re no better than an animal.” No matter how hard I tried, I could not remember her name or face. This beautiful woman had been a nameless, faceless character in my summer break’s stage play, and now I couldn’t even remember the role she had played, because there were so many characters in that play. Even though she had tried to hide it from me, and I had tried to hide it from my heart, it was obvious that she had been hurt by that event. I tried to hide it from my heart because when I looked in her eyes, I saw the pain and humiliation, but even more, I saw the depth of her beauty and the sweetness in her spirit—a spirit that I had diminished I disgusted myself. But at that time, I had no idea how to stop the charade. Any solution I could think of involved facing the pain left to me by my first love and the pain I was certain had been waiting for me for all of my life. When I felt the disgust, I felt a twinge of pain for the way I had been treating women who were trying to love me. And when the pain tried to come down, I welcomed the darkness. Darkness had protected my heart from the pain life and love brought me. And even now, as some women seemed to be willing to bring me anything but pain, I was still afraid. No matter what I saw in them, I was unwilling still to face the pain. I had seen these things in many of the women who I used for sexual purposes, but the pain and darkness that surrounded my heart, combined with my immaturity and the confusion that clouded my days prevented me from acknowledging anything but their sexuality. Sexuality did not bring me pain. I had gone through a metamorphosis that had changed my outlook on women and life and love. The changes that occurred had made it difficult for women to deal with me and for me to deal with who I was and what I was doing. As I grew older, the experiences in the world helped me to grow and mature in ways that I did not see in childhood. But as a manchild, I pulled away from the people who could have actually helped me to process the new and difficult emotions that love and life bring. I made some bad choices. The choices we make on one day determine who we are and what we have on the next day. And, sometimes the choices others make determine the choices we have and the choices we make. That’s part and parcel of the human experience. Without deciding who plays the victim, we harm each other even as we seek to love each other. For my part, I realize the impact of each woman’s presence in my life and wonder about my impact on theirs. I realize the negative impressions left upon me by the ones who touched me selfishly and give them as much weight as the positive impressions until there is productive balance. I wonder about the negative impressions I must have left on the ones I touched selfishly, or the positive impressions I may have left on the ones who were with me without being diminished. I wonder about the happiness I might have left on the lives I touched when I was pure and I wonder about the regret that must be held by the ones who forced me away from their lives or left mine for the wrong reasons. I wonder about the abject sorrow that must be held by the ones who touched me for selfish reasons, or the ones who tried to hold on, but were unable to hold me simply because they came into my life at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. My embrace of darkness came and left. But some of the ones who could have loved me came to me while I was protecting myself from the ones who could have hurt me. I forced them into a nameless, faceless darkness where potential pain had no power. And even as I protected my heart, I was still open mentally. I often dreamed about love. And those dreams flourished into plans and hopes when I began to climb out of the darkness to seek the light. In my twenties, I was growing. And I was learning. I was learning about the feeling of love and the act of loving from the friendships that I had developed and from the insight that I was cultivating, even as I did whatever I could to sabotage love. The more I grew as a person, the more I knew that the ways in which I was dealing with sex and love was wrong. And even though I knew better, it would be a while before I could actually do better. It was, after all, the mind that was learning. My heart was still mired in the protective shell I had used to protect it from pain of love and life. I was disconnected. My mind was disconnected from my heart and my mind often seemed to be detached from my own physical presence. While the mentality may have been maturing, the heart and the physicality—specifically where lust was concerned--were stuck in a time warp. The act of living can be a voluntary experience to be cherished as it is experienced, as well as in retrospect. But when life is filled with trauma and madness and mayhem, it can be an involuntary act, filled with numbness and darkness, and only the faint hope of reaching a piece of light at some corner of the darkness. These days, my life is filled with light and the promise of more light to come. There is very little threat of darkness and past darkness has been processed and lightened. And now I live in light. Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge.” He released his first mini-movie, “Crack,” and will soon release his first full-length documentary. View previous installments of this column at www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com. EUR MOTIVATIONAL NOTE "A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." — Henry B. Adams July 7: Blues pianist Pinetop Perkins is 96. Actress Roz Ryan Submit your favorite Web site to us along with a 15-20 word (or less) description to info@eurweb.com. BLACK HISTORY Speak Out
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