HAIR TRIGGER: The Case of the State versus Tiger Woods

     *How do you turn a tiger into a cheetah? Place a San Diego cocktail waitress in front of him. 

     That is one of the jokes making the rounds about Eldrick “Tiger” Woods’ recent ‘transgressions’ (loosely translated, means having sex with not my wife).

    Let me say first, we should not care about Tiger Woods' sex life, unless we are sleeping with Tiger Woods; but since he is the lead off story on every newscast from Boston to Beirut, I shall speak on his ‘transgressions.’

     All rise, because court is in session. I charge four accessories with crimes of morality. The defendants are Tiger Woods, the media/public, Elin Woods and the late, Earl Woods.

     Since the forced revelations of his adultery, Tiger has taken issue with the intrusive media.  Tiger, you ignorant, conceited, billionaire golfer, you asked for this. How dare you chastise the same media you used to pimp your global fan base into buying the revered Tiger brand? You put this self-inflicted crack into your Teflon armor with your own penis.

     When news that the world’s greatest golfer was in a 2:30 am car crash hits, news vans will roll immediately. When it is discovered that it took place in his own driveway and that he was sober, questions will arise. Where was Tiger going at 2:30 am? To the 7-11 for a Slurpee and a Scratcher? I think not.

     Tiger you have been in the media’s eye since the age of three. You could say that you just love playing golf and you never asked for all this attention. But you did the moment you let the business goliath, Nike build its entire golf department around the flawless Tiger Woods image and make you a global icon.

     No one would be sweating your perfect image, if you weren’t using that same image to sell sports drinks, golf equipment or cars that you don’t really drive (Buick is pissed you didn’t wreck their new LeSabre) under the guise of being “the one.” Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, but I guess that’s what a Tiger does.

     For that I charge Tiger with felony arrogance.

     No doubt Tiger will be one of—if not the greatest golfer ever, when his career is over. The only problem is the media and scores of Tiger loyalists have turned him into to a golden calf to worship. And he is a great golfer, but he is not a Messiah. The late Earl Woods once spoke of Tiger saying, “he will bring the world a humanitarianism, which has never been known before. He will transcend the game”. Which is why, it’s so disturbing to his apostles that Tiger’s golden tunic is now tarnished with this scandal. Earl made a statement that is essentially true, as far as transcending the game. Though the moment he made the ‘humanitarianism’ comment, the media comparisons to Jesus Christ were inevitable. In his defense, Tiger never called himself Jesus Christ, but he never played it down either. This would be proven later in a video game commercial, where he walked on water (ala’ Jesus Christ). This does nothing but feed the public a perception and as we all know, perception is reality. Add the media, who won’t confront these images, because they don’t want to risk access to the ratings golden goose named Tiger Woods. For that I charge the media/public with felony false idol worship.

     Meet Elin Nordegren Woods. The former Swedish au pair, whom Tiger Woods met after his first few hundred million dollars and married him in 2004. She pushed two crumb snatchers through her canal for Tiger and should be applauded, but she walked into a life of golf, Gulfstreams and glamour. As we have recently found out, they had a prenuptial agreement. No matter how you slice that pre-nup bread, it acknowledges that they could split up before they say “I do” and if they did split she wanted compensation. Elin, you don’t deserve to be compensated for walking into a life of luxury provided by Eldrick’s many hours on the golf course when Earl Woods stood over him like a first mate on the Amistad. Reports have you presently trying to renegotiate your pre-nup to provide you 80 million if you hang in the marriage for seven years. Tiger screwed other women while you were bloated with his babies inside of you. The thought that any amount of money can buy your dignity tells us that you never truly loved Tiger. Yes, you deserve 80 million dollars, if you held down jobs at a cash checking place and a nail shop while Tiger was working on his chip shots. Yes you deserve 80 million if you’re willing to hide money in the Caymans while Tiger is in court. Yes you deserve 80 million if you are willing to help bury the body. Yes you deserve 80 million when you are down from day one. You were not. Elin, I charge you with felony gold-digging.

     Last but not least I fault the late great Earl Woods who groomed Tiger to be the golfer he is today. Yes, when not teaching Tiger how to putt, he should’ve been teaching him real game. I am not advocating infidelity, but how can a billionaire not be able to keep his mistress and wife separated. You don’t know how to program a different name to appear on your cell phone? You can’t get designated cell phones for you two? You’re a billionaire. This is no time to be cheap. I will never understand these elite athletes never learning these simple life lessons usually learned on the schoolyard. Kobe Bryant didn’t know the “do not bring up someone else’s name at your rape interrogation” rule and Tiger didn’t know the “do not program the other woman’s name into your cell phone” rule.  For that Earl, I charge you with felonious parental neglect and find you and your co-defendants guilty as charged.

Rod Emelle is a filmmaker in Los Angeles. He has written for TV, film and written, produced and directed his own short films. He is presently working on a sports documentary titled “Searching For A Savior.”