My wife’s pastor is ruining our marriage. My wife spends more time at the church then she does at home. And to make matters worse, her pastor is interfering with our personal life and making suggestions to my wife that affect our entire household. First her pastor convinced her to quit her job to do full-time ministry at the church. Now the pastor is pressuring my wife to sow a financial seed into the ministry which would mean tapping heavily into our savings. My wife and I have been arguing about her pastor for months and she just doesn’t see how all his suggestions are affecting our marriage. Regardless of who makes the suggestion, my wife should not make major decisions that affect our household without my input. I am her husband and I feel like she is putting her pastor and her church before me and our family! I also feel like her pastor is manipulating her and using his position to get what he wants.
Sick of These Preachers
While I certainly do not condone anyone using their position to manipulate others, especially in the church, I also think people need to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. No matter what the pastor has suggested, your wife ultimately made her own decision to leave her job and pursue ministry full-time. As for tapping into your savings, I agree that this is a decision that both you and your wife should make, and agree upon, to avoid future arguments. Many times people hide behind others if they are afraid to make their own decisions or reveal their own intentions. Is it possible that your wife wanted to leave her job and pursue ministry full-time? Maybe your wife was afraid of your reaction and thought it was easier to say that the pastor suggested it! It is common for people to hide behind those who they feel carry a particular weight. Many times people hide behind ministry and clergy because they figure “who would argue or go against God and men and women of the cloth?
That being said, as a former first lady and ex-wife of a pastor/preacher, I know the inner workings of the church and I know how “church work” can consume a person’s time. Even in doing God’s work, we have to have balance. A person cannot spend all of their time working in the church and neglecting the ministry of family! At the same time, if your wife is passionate about church ministry, you have to find a way to support her work and passion and to meet her halfway on her journey. No one wants to feel “guilty” about doing something they love.
And while I know there are pastors/preachers who have abused their position and have manipulated members of their congregation, I do not believe that this includes ALL pastors/preachers. Don’t assume that the pastor is the sole problem in your marriage. You and your wife need to talk and communicate about what is really going on between the two of you. It might be necessary for both of you to meet with the pastor or seek outside counseling if meeting with the pastor poses an issue. But don’t allow the pastor to serve as the scapegoat for fixing what is going wrong in your marriage. If the pastor is an issue, this will come to light.
Tamara Hartley is Your Advice Guru and author of REAL Advice from REAL Experience: Advice, Tips and Strategies for Your Life Relationships, and Career. She uses her personal life experiences and lessons learned to give others a different perspective and help them make critical decisions in their life, relationships and careers. Read advice archives at www.YourAdviceGuru.com. Email questions to advice@YourAdviceGuru.com or on Twitter @DrTamaraHartley using the hashtag #AskTamara. Tamara is also a certified life coach and works with individuals to find balance, make moves, and live their dreams. Learn more about her coaching programs at www.YourPersonalSuccessCoach.com.
Angie Bailey and other choir members sing during a community meeting regarding violence in black neighborhoods at Universal Truth Center in Miami Gardens, Monday, Feb. 18, 2013. Pastors from different parts of the county spoke to about 70 people. photo by Miami Herald
*Before families in Miami’s black communities bury loved ones killed by violent shootings, they call a pastor, says the Miami Herald.
Then pastors console grief-stricken mothers and fathers. And on the day of the funeral, usually a Saturday, they look into the tear-streaked faces of mourners and deliver a eulogy that touches on the value of life.
The victims’ names and ages change, but the somber process is almost formulaic.
“I’m tired of burying our children. I do an average of two funerals a Saturday,” said the Rev. Billy Strange of Mount Calvary Missionary Baptist Church in Liberty City. “When I get a break, I thank God. Sixty or 70 percent of the funerals I do are homicides.”
Armed with the word of God, Strange leads a coalition of pastors from Miami-Dade County’s urban communities who are tackling the issue of violent crimes. The pastors hail from Richmond Heights, Overtown, Liberty City, Miami Gardens and parts of unincorporated Miami-Dade. Their mission is dubbed CAP, derived from “Call A Pastor.”
*There are some freaks out there, and sad to say, many of them wear crosses and carry Bibles.
As police frantically worked to figure out how his fiancée’s 24-year-old daughter had vanished, a Michigan pastor who had turned to God to shed his violent past went to his flock with a request: pray for her, reports the Washington Post.
But all along, authorities say, he knew the sordid truth about where the young mother was.
The pastor, ex-convict John D. White, later confessed to killing Rebekah Gay to fulfill a fantasy of necrophilia, police said Friday. White drank four or five beers before going to the woman’s mobile home and repeatedly striking her head with a mallet and strangling her with a zip tie, according to court documents.
After all of that, he couldn’t tell police if he carried out one of his sexual fantasies or not.
Read/learn more at the Washington Post.
*Clergymen across the nation answered the challenge presented by Pastor Jamal Bryant (pictured) and the Empowerment Movement to register members of their congregation. Over 100,000 new voters were registered nationwide; an impressive number by any standards.
The Empowerment Movement, a voter registration campaign was created to move the African American community forward in politics, education and economics. That is: 500,000 churches, 20 people registered at each church, 1 million voters.
Pastor Bryant, founder of the Empowerment Temple in Baltimore, MD has encouraged his members to get involved with the political process and ensure the African American voice is heard in the upcoming presidential election. The church has actively worked in the community and registered more voters than any other church inBaltimore.
Unanimously voted president of the Empowerment Movement, Pastor Bryant and the coalition of clergyman see the need to reach the estimated 5 million unregistered voters in churches nationwide. They are determined to affect change in the African American community.
”In 1965, Rev. Martin Luther King, a Baptist, Rev. Joseph Lowery, a United Methodist, and Andy Young, a Disciples of Christ preacher, walked out of an AME Church and marched together in Selma for voting rights,” Pastor Bryant told BlackAmericaWeb.com.
*The Christian Post says the late Zachery Tims’ church, New Destiny Christian Center, revealed on Friday one of the requirements needed for applicants looking to take over the senior pastoral role the charismatic preacher left vacant when he died in August.
Following a report last week that NDCC was about to announce its basic requirements that would be instrumental in selecting an effective replacement for the late pastor “soon,” Minister Samuel Anderson, an executive administrator of the church, told The Christian Post Friday that NDCC is seeking “a pastor that is part of a husband and wife team.”
According to Anderson, New Destiny is desirous of a pastor who is part of a supportive married couple, that would be committed to each other as they commit to the message and growth of the Apopka, Fla., megachurch.
This is not out of keeping with the history of NDCC, which, many will recall, began due to the hard work and commitment of pastors Zachery and Riva Tims. After relocating from Baltimore, Md., in response to a directive by Zachery Tims’ pastor, the couple moved to Florida and, after hard work and great dedication, built a ministry that would eventually grow to a membership of 7,500 in just ten years.
The Tims, who share four children, divorced in 2009.
Since the death of her 42-year-old ex-husband, who was found unresponsive in a New York City hotel room on Aug. 12, many members of the church have called for Riva Tims to take up the mantle of leadership and become pastor of the megachurch.
Read more at the Christian Post.
*On Oct. 11 at the Sunset Station in San Antonio, the Blackbook Directory and Yearbook will present Black Worship – A Snapshot of Men in Religious Leadership.
It’ll be a landmark photo-shoot that will include over 185 invited bishops and pastors from the greater San Antonio area. Some of the most influential African American religious based leaders will come together to help build a religious directory. According to the Blackbook Directory database, religion is the largest industry for African Americans in San Antonio.
In an effort to fulfill the Blackbook Directory and Yearbook’s mission to document and complement the community, this event was developed to document this group of individuals. This gathering will establish a foundation of Black Worship leadership for 2011. With over 12 denominations in the list and multi-ethnic leadership this will be a day long remembered.
In addition to this historical photo this event will be part of Black Worship Video Documentary to be released in June 2012. You can also look forward to Lady Pastor photo shoot to be announced soon.