*It feels odd being single after fifteen years in a committed relationship. I am guarded yet excited about the possibility of one day being in a new relationship where I won’t have to dim my light. And yet, I don’t know where to begin when it comes to dating. I have always been attracted to feminine lesbians.
During my younger years, I met feminine lesbians who preferred dominate partners. Thus, I found myself pursuing straight women who were feminine and bi-curious. It is unspoken within the lesbian community but dating a bi-curious or bisexual woman was and still may be frowned upon, almost taboo.
I have my own painful memories of dating bi-curious and bisexual women. Today, individuals who don’t fit the cis-gendered, heterosexual box are described with the acronym, LGBTQ, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer. Obviously, we are not all the same, and bisexual individuals within the LGBTQ community often get a bad rap based on societal norms and assumptions of promiscuity.
It was the perfect situation, for a while. They felt safe in exploring the unthinkable because I did not fit the stereotypical image of what a lesbian looked like. They could take me home, introduce me to their parents or friends, and no one would know we were dating. They could hide me and their feelings for as long as I allowed it. But soon the loneliness I felt became overwhelming. I could no longer ignore reality. They wanted a husband and I wanted a wife. I vowed to never date another bi-curious or bisexual woman again. I decided to love myself as much as I loved others. It is amazing what you will attract when you know your worth.
Years later, and to my surprise, I fell in love with a bisexual woman. In the most loving way, she explained her definition of bisexuality. She said, “I only want to be with you. When I am with you, I am with you. I have no desire to be with a man. But, I have the capacity to love and fall in love with a man. When I am with a man, I enjoy him sexually, just as when I am with a woman, I enjoy her.” I never conformed to societal norms, therefore her definition made all the sense in the world. Who was I to judge anyone? I had dated a few bisexual women who refused to be labeled. I was the only woman they had ever dated. I found myself defending them to my friends when our relationship was questioned. If she is dating a woman, isn’t she gay or bisexual? I couldn’t date a woman who is dating a man! My friends were right, at that moment, those women were technically bisexual.
I understood the concept better when a straight woman I dated said, “I’m not gay or bisexual. I just love you, Monika. I’m not attracted to women. I’m attracted to you.” In that moment, I began to value the notion that love comes in many forms. You just have to be open to receive it.
Recently, I joined at least thirty friends and family members to celebrate my best friend’s fiftieth birthday. I walked over to my best friend’s partner and inquired about a woman I didn’t recognize. I saw her as soon as she walked in. I glanced around the room and noticed that I wasn’t the only one watching her. She was voluptuous, almost breathtaking. It was as if she floated through the room. I assumed she was straight but I didn’t care. I could not let her leave before speaking to her.
My best friend’s partner smirked and said, “That’s my cousin. I already told her about you.” I laughed and said, “What did you tell her?” She said, “I told her, listen, my baby has a friend who is very feminine. She looks like a girl but she is a dude on the inside. She is going to look at your butt. She is not going to pretend she’s not looking. She may even touch it but she will ask you first.” I fell out laughing and said, “She do girls?” Her raised eyebrow was the confirmation I needed.
As usual, my friends were amused at my boldness. I chided my single friends for peering at her when she wasn’t looking versus going over and talking to her. One friend finally broke down and asked, “You would date a bisexual woman at this point in your life?” I said, “Why do you say it like that? I would if she wasn’t actively dating a man. People find love where they least expect it.” She quickly changed the subject.
I was in deep thought as I sat at the table. Was I as non-judgmental as I professed to be? What does that say about me if dating a bisexual woman was contingent upon her not actively dating a man? I thought about the potential health risks in dating women who could be dating men who were on the down-low. Down-low men present themselves as heterosexual but secretly have sex with other men. I thought of my friends who are in healthy, long-term relationships with women who were previously married to men. What if I fell in love with a woman who thought she wanted to be with me, only to change her mind about being with a woman? Hell, I have experienced that more than I care to remember. And yet, I refuse to become cynical when it comes to love and happiness. I am determined to remain open to whatever and whomever the universe has for me.
I watched as the voluptuous woman placed her purse on her shoulder, indicating that she was leaving. I got up and walked over to her. I said, “You know you are wrecking everyone’s nerves in here.” Her laughter was a soft purr. I said, “I am a very confident woman. So … I’m not going to sneak and look at you. You are going to walk out of here and I am going to watch you.”
She blushed and slowly sauntered away as I watched her go.
Monika M. Pickett is a veteran of the United States Army. Her debut novel, PRETTY BOY BLUE is available on Amazon. Pickett is an advocate and activist for the LGBTQ community. For more information on Monika M. Pickett, please visit, www.MonikaMPickett.com. For other inquiries email info@MonikaMPickett
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